


It's About Feeling Normal

by NeonAppleDarko



Category: The Evil Within (Video Game)
Genre: Aftermath, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Divorce, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Separation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-04
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-03-10 11:38:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3288974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeonAppleDarko/pseuds/NeonAppleDarko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's over and yet it isn't. They are out of the mindscape within the STEM and the massacre of Beacon Mental is only half solved. Sebastian and Joseph have to return to a normal life despite nightmares of events that didn't actually happen and the phantom pain of wounds that don't exist. It's a miracle they don't have to do it alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When Leslie screams the serene atmosphere of the playground evaporates before them. The bubbles pop, windows shatter and rain down in shimmering shards, the earth itself trembles. After so many shifts, being thrown from hospital to towns to massive medieval churches, you'd think they'd be used to it but it was still terrifying. 

Kidman fired wildly as the childlike man ran from the colorful scene, and Joseph could see Sebastian at the other end of the park clutching his head and screaming while they were ravaged with head splitting noise. Joseph could feel it pulsing in his temples, singing in his blood, and he choked back a sob from the pain of it. Kidman didn't look like she was affected by the sound but she couldn't keep her footing. He started running toward them as she stumbled and nearly fell, gun arm waving wildly. He couldn't tell if she was aiming for Sebastian, by he couldn't take the risk. He darted out in front of her and took aim.

At first he didn't even realize what happened when he was forced back. He froze, watching Kidman's expression turn to absolute horror. It looked like she was reaching for him before she ran past and after Leslie. Then he felt his chest burning. Breath wouldn't come, he was on fire and he couldn't get any air. He tasted blood on his tongue when he started to cough violently, spasming where he lay on the concrete while the earth shook apart.

The last thing he heard was Seb screaming something, it might have been his name but he couldn't be sure. The world went black as the earth swallowed him whole.

\----

Everything burned with cold. His limbs were half numb, sensation dulled and far away. When his arms slammed into the sides of his porcelain prison it took him moments to realize he was hitting something at all. Water sloshed into him face and spotted his glasses but it barely registered. He clawed at his chest, trying to find the source of the phantom burning pain but there was nothing. He only tore at his own vest, scattering buttons and ripping the shirt beneath. Joseph couldn't grasp the conflict, mind whirling. He felt his chest burn with lack of air despite being able to fill his lungs, the taste of blood heavy on his tongue when there was none in his mouth.

Detective Oda lurched out of the tub, the root of Ruvik's wicked machine, stumbling and falling to the ground. His head snapped back when he tried to stand and he groped blindly at the back of his neck, wrapping his fingers around the base of a thick wire. He screamed as he pulled it from the back of his head and threw it away. He'd been shot. He was fine. There should be blood. He was clean, pristine. It was too much. He knew he died, he felt himself dying, but he was alive. Was this another mindscape? Was this another trick?

Joseph heaved and choked but nothing came out. He needed air, he needed his partner.

"Sebastian...," his voice was harsh, wrecked from screaming, from disuse. "Sebastian!" He called out wobbling to his feet and stumbling toward the doorway. He tried to find his gun, groping blindly at his belt. The bodies of the patients and staff barely registered, but he still jumped when he looked at their faces. Visions of pale creatures wrapped tight in barbed wire, eyes glowing in the dark, a man wrapped in white...

Drunkenly Joseph made his way to the lobby of the hospital. The door was in reach. He had to get out, find Sebastian, get him to safety, get them both...

He clipped a chair in the waiting area, shouting at the sharp pain in his shin and sliding through a patch of gore that was all that was left of a nurse's head.

This time when his head cracked against the ground he didn't get back up.


	2. Chapter 2

The screaming of the monster Ruvik had twisted himself into followed Sebastian when the world shifted and he woke for what felt like the hundredth time since this had all started. This time he didn't claw at the massive hole he could feel even though it wasn't in his chest, and the rancid taste of bile and blood still coated his tongue. Getting out from the bathtub this time was a bit more of a struggle, his vision was blurred and head sluggish while he tried to get a grip on just what he was waking up from. This time he barely flinched while ripping the cord from the back of his head. This time he was the only one who stood up.

A haze of red light filtered from what looked like the very machine itself. It was nearly impossible for Sebastian's eyes to focus. The bloody flesh like growth leading from the tubs to the center of the machine pulsed in time to the pounding in his head and made the air wet and heavy in his lungs. He stumbled and retched, bile burning his throat, drool hung over his lips but he didn't fall. Sebastian made his way to the heart of the machine.

He knew what to expect. Sebastian could still hear Ruvik's voice inside his head murmuring hatefully about his betrayal. How Jimenez had stripped him of his place, his power, his research, and finally himself. Layer by layer, slice after slice until he was nothing at all and everything all at once.

The glass case holding all that was left of Ruben Victoriano was almost comically nonthreatening after everything that had happened. Everything that he knew the man inside had put them through. What it had done to him, to Connelly, to Leslie, to Ruvik himself.

What it had done to Joseph. 

Sebastian grit his teeth and grasped the glass case in both hands, pulling it out of the machine. He found himself screaming along with the deafening noise ringing in his ears and screeching of the STEM as tore out it's core. He stumbled back toward the holding tubs when the case came free, struggling for breath. Every move burned but he had all the strength he needed to lift the glass high and smash it open on the ground. Ruvik's brain slid harmlessly onto the floor with a wet slap and he felt a prickling behind his eyes. He was so angry, so disgusted, upset, and he couldn't take it a moment more.

Seb crushed it beneath the heel of his boot, his heart hollow and wholly unsatisfied. 

\----

Consciousness was fleeting, a haze, it felt like he was floating. Maybe even hungover. His body felt leaden as if he'd actually run all that way through the mockery of Krimson city as it evolved and changed around them. He couldn't lift his arms, or his head, even if he wanted to. Sounds filtered in slowly through the fog but Sebastian couldn't bring himself to care. Only when a shadow fell over the light through his closed eyelids did he even will then to open.

It was Kidman. Part of him wanted to pull himself to wakefulness and growl at her until she gave him answers, but the part that was too exhausted couldn't. He looked at her blearily, eyes unable to focus, when he saw her notice him. Then she did something so surprising it stopped his thoughts completely. She smiled and shushed him gently, like telling a child to be quiet after sharing a special secret.

"Leave this one, and the other two..."

He didn't really catch anything after that, his eyes slid shut and he drifted off to sleep.

\----

__

"Who do you think you are? I know who you are, 'Seb.' I know what you crave..."

Everything hurt when he jolted awake, a sob caught in his throat. The ache in his head had lessened to tolerable. This time when he crawled out if the cold bathtub his head didn't snap back with the weight of a STEM cord. He looked around the room, face screwed up with some unreadable emotion. He realized with a jolt that the scene before him was so shocking because this place looked like it belonged in a hospital, pristine and white, but that made it almost more terrifying than the perversion of the STEM Ruvik showed to them in his memories. 

Sebastian gingerly limped around the tubs shocked to find that most were empty. Even the case at the center had been empty, no splash of gore on the ground even though shards of glass remained. Jimenez sat in one with his face twisted in horror, frozen in that moment when he was crushed into nothing. Then there was Connelly, but there was no Kidman, no Leslie, not even...

"Joseph?" His voice came in a croak, the only answer he received was the echo floating back down to him. If he had died he should be here, the other two were, but where could he be? Kidman's words came back to him then. Leave him and the other two. Did she take Joseph? 

The trip back down to the hospital lobby was a blur of stumbling around calling out for his partner. By the time he'd made it to the reception desk Sebastian knew he was crying but couldn't bring himself to wipe the tears away. Bodies still remained where they'd been when the pair of them had entered the building and started the horror show. Became batteries for the machine. Numbly Sebastian made his way to the door only stopping when it was violently thrown open and he was blinded by intense spotlights.

The armored officers had their guns trained and were screaming something at him. He supposed they were asking him to stand down before they'd realized who he was. Moments later they filed in after him, one pausing to lead him somewhat gently to the doorway, leaving him on the walk up. Sebastian just stared, bewildered that he was seeing people. Real heathy human beings who weren't coming at him with fists or axes, glowing eyes and screaming with rage. He recognized men and women from his precinct, ambulance drivers he'd seen before on other cases. It was almost unreal.

A glimpse of white caught his attention and Sebastian shielded his eyes from the lights to look beyond them. He watched a figure walking past a uniformed officer at the gate but a tremble made him blink and it was gone. For a moment it looked like a person. It looked like it could have been Leslie, but the way it walked was off.

Sebastian stared at the place the figure had been, or not been, for what felt like a long while. Unsure, confused, and wanting a cigarette more now than he had in his entire life. Eventually he realized there was a woman next to him, calling out at him, "Detective? Detective Castellanos?"

"I... Yes, what do you...?" Speaking felt strange and Sebastian stumbled over his words.

"Please come with me, sir. Let me look you over, make sure you're alright. Will you come with me?" Suddenly he found himself unable to answer and only mutely nodded as she lead him to the back of her parked ambulance. He didn't move as she gently looked him over, wrapping him up in a blanket he recognized as treatment for shock victims. He'd given up his coat to more than one. She cleaned a split in his lower lip he didn't remember getting, and found a sizable knot on the side of his head that had already begun to bruise, the skin beneath his dark and mottled. Sebastian nodded as she told him to wait while she spoke with another officer, explaining that he would be taken to the hospital soon for a full evaluation. It was procedure. Still he couldn't bring himself to care.

Time meant nothing while he sat in the back of the truck, perched on the step in a bright orange cocoon. Many had filed into Beacon Mental and half had come out pale and retching. They hadn't begun to bring out the bodies, it wouldn't be time for that until the crime scenes were mapped out and evidence collected, so when he heard someone screaming for what sounded like a stretcher Sebastian turned his head and paid attention. A pair of EMT's ripped a cart out the back of a waiting truck and charged up the front steps into Beacon Mental and Sebastian stood on shaking legs, blanket falling away. He felt warm and cold all at once, as if someone had doused him in ice water to wake him from a deep sleep. When they reappeared moments later with a man strapped to the cart he gasped and choked on the sudden lump in his throat. It was a man, a familiar man, dressed in a suit vest whose gloved hand rolled off the stretcher as they ran him to the waiting car.

"Joseph!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm unsure about the ending of the game but I know what I wanted so I tried to think of a way to get Joseph out of that room. I know it's a little too simple, but accidentally being hidden among the bodies seems like it would be pretty effective to me!


	3. Chapter 3

There had been little any of the emergency personnel could do about Sebastian after Joseph was pulled out of the hospital. He had dashed across the Beacon courtyard and clung to the stretcher supporting his partner, running with the paramedics and barking questions. They were lucky both were slated to be taken to the hospital because Sebastian crawled right into the ambulance and sat obediently in the truck begging for them to let him do something helpful. He ended up just watching Joseph's face for any response while the younger man was worked over, hand wrapped around his wrist so he could feel his pulse.

It turned out Sebastian had walked right past Joseph while escaping the lobby. He'd been found curled up and half hidden along with the body of one of the Beacon Medical nurses among the waiting room chairs, the kind that were all strung together in a line and bolted to the ground. Either the people Kidman worked for had been blind enough to miss him, or maybe she'd helped just like she had with Sebastian. Suddenly he felt quite guilty about his anger, at this point all he wanted to do was thank her. As for how he'd ended up there Sebastian thought he must have walked out just like he did. Later they would tell the two of them it looked like Joseph had fallen and cracked his skull on the tile, but now all Sebastian knew was what he could see. There was dried blood ringed around his nostrils and upper lip and fresher, tacky red trailing from beneath his hair. On the same side Joseph's lens had a single crack running through the center. Sebastian had to pull the the glasses off, folding them into his breast pocket. Looking at the reflective surface was disorienting. Part of him expected the lens to completely split and take him to someplace else, but he wasn't in the machine. That haunting melody that had filled him with some sense of peace wasn't ringing in his ears.

The EMT that had stayed with him and Joseph was already talking the moment the doors opened. Several medical personnel were already there, grabbing the cot and pulling Joseph out and toward the massive glass doors into Krimson City Memorial. Sebastian had been unable to keep a grip on the stretcher in all the confusion, left instead to bound after him and into the hospital. Between the intensity of the fluorescent lights and the bustle of the staff he didn't notice the doctor following him until she grabbed his arm startling him so badly he'd spun around and nearly fell.

"Detective Castellanos, my name is Doctor Cully." She spoke softly and held her hands up, a tactic he'd used many times himself to appear nonthreatening, "I need you to come with me, you've had a pretty serious head injury and-"

"Please, I can't I need to be with Detective Oda I..." Sebastian looked back and forth between her and the doors Joseph's cart had disappeared through moments before, "I have to know he's okay, he... He has to be okay." It felt like his thoughts were drifting through a fog, his tongue heavy in his mouth. Cully's face softened as she reached out and touched his arm.

"I promise you he's in good hands, Detective. They'll be taking him up for a Cat Scan to examine his head, find out why he's still unconscious." She was dumbing it down for him and Sebastian appreciated it, he didn't think he'd be able to sort through that much medical jargon at the moment. "It's standard, I promise. You won't help him by hovering, and we need to look at you."

"What?" She honest to god chuckled at him, gently leading him away by the arm and he followed without resistance.

"Come on, we'll get you looked at while you're waiting for Mr. Oda. I know it's hard to wait, but think of it this way. He'd want you to be taken of, to rest. I'll do everything I can to keep you updated on his condition." In the end Sebastian was simply too exhausted to protest. That and he truly believed she would do as she promised. He allowed himself to be lead to away.

\----

Turns out he was unable to truly get that rest. Sebastian had been diagnosed with a 'mild traumatic brain injury,' or a concussion. He would have to stay in the hospital for at least 24 hours for observation and for the time being was not allowed to sleep, not that he would have been. They gave him Acetaminophen for the headache but there wasn't much else to do other than allow his body to take care of itself. In the hours that passed he spent time in a room alone with two empty beds alternating between sitting, pacing, and being admonished by the nurse when she came to check on him. Thankfully Dr. Cully had kept her promise, after his x-rays and exams were finished she had followed up on Joseph's condition. Their injuries were quite similar, though his partner's were worse. He had a linear skull fracture from landing hard on the ground. Worse still he had yet to wake.

Whatever had happened at Beacon Mental had mostly been kept from the news. Though all the local news channels kept flipping back to the scene the reporters weren't saying anything concrete, cameras were far from the building, and the police that were talking were giving generic statements that were obviously given straight from their superiors. If he'd been out there Sebastian would have been spitting out the same thing. Sebastian couldn't watch it, just put the TV on some sitcom bullshit and turned the volume low so he could hear something other than his own thoughts while he paced back and forth in front of the third story window. 

"Shit." He jumped when the door flung open, holding up his hands "I was resting I swear." He winced when he fell sideways into a chair and prepared himself for another chastising.

"We both know you're lying, Mr. Castellanos." The nurse assigned to him was named Erin, a short older woman with streaks of iron in her hair and steel in her voice. She had been telling him to sit down and shut up since he had first been brought up to the room, the last time nearly dragging him to bed by the ear. "But I'll forget about it this once." She smiled at him while she stepped aside and held the door open. 

A man and Dr. Cully walked in wheeling Joseph with them. Sebastian had stood so fast he'd made himself dizzy and Erin tutted at him as she let the door close. Between the three of them they lifted the unconscious detective and got him settled in the second bed while Sebastian dragged his chair over and firmly placed himself beside it. Cully explained to him more about Joseph's condition, medication and observation similar to his own, but truthfully he wasn't listening as much as he was watching. Joseph had been cleaned up, there was no longer dried blood flaking off his upper lip, and his hair was slightly brushed. She said something about stitches and he reached for Joseph's hairline, gently touching his forehead before pulling back again. After a bit she squeezed his shoulder and left them in Erin's care, who fluffed Joseph's pillows, double checked all his vitals, and brought more blankets before leaving them alone.

Joseph looked peaceful and helpless sleeping there without his glasses. They'd removed his clothes and redressed him in a plain loose white shirt that tied at the back of the neck, similar to Sebastian himself. He'd been asked to pack up his clothes in a bag when he's gotten to the room. Evidence, he'd assumed. The only thing he'd really kept had been Joseph's glasses, folded neatly up by the TV, and his wedding ring still on his left hand.

For awhile he just watched Joseph breathing, a soft exhale of laughter whenever his nose twitched in his sleep. The last time he'd been with Joseph had been in Leslie's park. It had to have been a little piece of serenity that the boy brought into the mindscape with them because it certainly wasn't Ruvik. He was so certain when the earth collapsed that Joseph had been gone, Sebastian had been so hurt and bitter he'd thrown it in Kidman's face that she'd killed him when they'd met again. Eventually he stood and leaned over to run a hand through Joseph's hair, gently examining the stitches behind his ear and straightening up so it looked more put together. He usually fussed if any part was out of place. When his hand came to rest at Joseph's neck he looked up and checked the door, waiting with baited breath, then untied the loose knot holding the shirt together. 

The short hospital gown pulled open with ease and Sebastian had to work at steadying his breath before tugged it open to look at his chest. Joseph's skin was pale, smooth and whole. There was no evidence of the fatal gunshot he'd witnessed earlier. Sebastian's hand shook violently as he smoothed it over his partner's sternum. He almost didn't believe it, but he'd done the same thing earlier with himself. Waking up in Beacon he could still taste the blood he'd been choking on while facing down Ruvik, but here there was no mark of the impalement. No scars from axe wounds, no tear in his leg from the chainsaw, not a hair out of place. Only bruises and a bleeding nose. Gently he pulled the gown back up and tied it closed, pulling the thin sterile blanket up and tucking it in around Joseph's ribs. Sebastian leaned in and pressed his forehead against the sleeping man's, heaving out a sigh and taking a deep breath of the air between them. Joseph was alive.

He sat back down swallowing a sob with a hand at his mouth. While he wasn't in his sight Sebastian hasn't been sure that Joseph really had left the mental hospital, and now that he was here the detective was determined not to leave him. He was tired of being torn apart and thrown together again and again. 

Sebastian held onto Joseph's hand while he waited up for the doctor to tell him he could sleep, hoping Joseph would wake before he nodded off. More than that, he hoped they would still be in this hospital together when he did.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With the hospital scenes and procedures I kind if blended research with personal experience, I hope it reads well.


	4. Chapter 4

Slowly Sebastian began to wake, groaning and butting his head against whatever was next to it, solid and warm. The tinny sound of the hospital TV filtered through his sleep addled thoughts until he recognized it as some kind of child's educational show. An overly peppy voice was asking him to stand and hold out his arms to pull something up. He huffed, squeezing his eyes shut against the light streaming in through the window. It was too early for this shit. He just wanted to go back to sleep, his head was pounding but he pressed in harder against the warmth at his cheek, sighing softly when something swept through his hair and tugged it gently away from his face.

"If you're awake please tell me how to change the channel on this thing, I've had enough of these dogs driving rescue trucks."

"Buh?" Sebastian opened his eyes and just stared. Joseph was looking down at him, squinting a little without his glasses. He kept running his fingers through Sebastian's hair while the older detective struggled to find something to say.

"Words, Seb."

He blinked and sat up straight, eyes wide and wild. "Joseph...," he pat at his chest before remembering they'd taken his clothes then shot up and snatched Joseph's glasses from the TV stand. He handled them to his partner and fell back into his seat while he examined them. He couldn't help the bubble of laughter that slipped out when Joseph noticed the cracked lens and frowned, "I was waiting up for you."

"That would be why I woke up to you asleep on my leg, I'm sure." He laughed again. 

"You look good." Sebastian was so relieved he couldn't stop smiling. Even with dark patches beneath his eyes and flakes of dried blood in his hair Joseph looked better than he'd seen him in what felt like days. He had color in his cheeks, a bit of light in his eyes that Sebastian had been devastated to watch fade away the longer they'd been in the STEM. 

"Yea? You look like shit." They laughed together and Sebastian stood back up to get the remote so they could put the TV on something else. The conversation fell into a lull of small talk that was so normal everyday by the water cooler it was completely surreal. Sebastian tried to watch whatever it was Joseph changed the channel to but he found himself staring at Joseph more than anything else. All that worry and fear from the night before hit him hard in the chest and he took a deep shaking breath. Something must have shown on his face because Joseph reached out and brushed his fingers over his cheek, "What is it?"

"...you weren't there when I woke up." His voice lowered, barely an exhale over his lips. Had Joseph not been so close he wouldn't have been able to hear it. "After you fell I... I ran around this subway station looking for you, and when I couldn't find you..." He'd screamed for Joseph until his throat was raw, searching every inch of the rubble. When he's finally had to give up and cross through that train it felt like part of himself had been torn away and left behind. When they'd pulled him from lobby it felt like he could breath again. "I can't believe I walked right past you. I thought they'd taken you." Joseph had dropped his hand back to the bed and Sebastian laid his hand over it.

"I think that's when I woke up. The last thing I remember was the ground opening up, choking on blood." He shuddered, hand twitching beneath Sebastian's. "I thought I died, it felt like I died Seb." Joseph's face screwed up as he tried to find a way of describing how it felt to tear through the STEM machine, then he reached back and touched the nape of his neck. "Then it was cold, and I was in that bathtub with a plug in my head. All I remember after that was running to find you, I don't think I ever looked in that first room."

"I'm glad you didn't." Joseph raised a brow at him but Sebastian didn't elaborate, only held his hand up to indicate he'd go into it later. "Joseph, I... I'm just so fucking glad you're alive."

They lapsed into silence then, sitting together while the TV droned on and Sebastian still loosely holding onto Joseph's hand.

\----

The police came to interview them early in the afternoon. They hadn't been men from their precinct but they were kind enough. This case was far too strange, and from the looks on their faces when they got to certain questions they had either been there or seen the security tapes and they hadn't liked what they'd seen. In the end they told them the complete truth up until the point that they deduced they'd been placed into the STEM machine. For Sebastian that had been the moment he'd seen Ruvik on the tapes and turned around to suddenly be face to face with the burned man. 

Though there wasn't much they could say for what happened after that their own injuries gave the detectives a good enough answer. Sebastian had been hit hard enough in the head to fell a man of his strength and stature, and Joseph had a fracture on the back of his skull. Cully had come in to explain how being unable to remember after an injury like that was not only common they were lucky to remember that much detail at all of those moments. 

Only Sebastian gave them a description of the STEM machine, though he did not let on anything about his experience inside it. His blood left on the cord would give them enough evidence to know how he'd been plugged into it. The officers left satisfied with the information they'd been given, wishing them well on their recovery as Erin shooed them from the room. 

Cully and other doctors, specialists in their fields, had come throughout the day to check on Sebastian and Joseph. Though they were ready to allow Sebastian to be released they were more concerned for Joseph. The consensus seemed to be he would be allowed to go only if he weren't alone. Sebastian wanted to volunteer himself as watchman but wasn't sure how to bring it up. Every time he summoned his courage someone entered the room. It seemed like such a simple thing, but he was afraid that Joseph would say no. Truth be told, he was more afraid to be left alone.

"Excuse me, dears, but you have a visitor." Erin stepped in the room again holding the door open behind her. "A Ms. Taggart."

"Taggart?" Sebastian stood, Joseph's hand slipping from his own as he moved to put himself between his partner and the newcomer. Nothing prepared him for who actually walked in the door.

A woman came in holding the hand of a little girl. Her hair was shorn in a pixie cut that swept elegantly over her forehead, dark green eyes flicked over them both and she visibly slumped in relief, free hand over her heart. He hadn't seen her in so long it was jarring to see her now. The little girl peeked out from behind her mother, big brown familiar eyes looking about the room confused but not afraid. He remembered those eyes when she'd been small enough to hold in the crook of his arm, when he'd been asked to be a godfather. He was so shocked at how much she'd grown, how beautiful she was, and how very much she looked like her father.

"Hana!" Joseph cried out the same time as the girl yelled, "Daddy!" Running full tilt to the bed and climbing up into his arms. Joseph pulled her in tight and buried his face in her black hair, kissing the top of her head over and over again. Sebastian just stared at the two of them blankly until he felt someone come up and tug his arm.

"When they called and said you were hospitalized I feared the worst." He turned to the woman and opened his arms when she hugged him tightly, "I'm so glad you're both aright. Hana had answered the phone, she was inconsolable."

"We're alright." His voice came out quiet and tight, "Got knocked around a bit though." Despite the way his chest felt constricted he found he could still laugh when she called him an ass and punched him in the chest, giggling. 

"Thank you for bringing her, Cheryl." Joseph's eyes shined with tears unshed when he looked at his wife and partner, clutching tightly to his daughter. Sebastian watched her go to him, scooting Hana over and sitting down to get a better look at him. It hit him then that it truly had been months since he'd last seen them. He hadn't been to Joseph's home other than picking him up for work since he'd been reported to IA. 

Cheryl was a tiny Boston native, she barely came up to Sebastian's shoulders but was impossible to miss. Her bright red hair shone like copper and she looked so much younger now that it wasn't halfway down her back. She must have been doing something, getting some sun, because there were gold streaks in the spiky strands and a fresh spatter of freckles across her nose and cheeks. Hana had some new spots too, one of the things she'd inherited from her Irish mother, dark black hair trimmed up to her shoulders. The guilt over missing so much of their lives was cold and sudden. 

"Sebastian?" He blinked and looked down. Hana had crawled over to the side of the bed and was holding her arms up for him. He grabbed her under each arm and pulled her up, embracing her when she wrapped her tiny arms around his neck. "Are you okay?"

"Yea I'm alright, baby girl, you know me. My head's hard as a rock." She giggled, rapping tiny knuckles gently on his forehead and kissing him at his hairline. "You don't have to worry about me."

"What happened out there? Beacon's been all over the news." Cheryl was sitting on the side of Joseph's bed and looking between the two men. Sebastian caught his partner's eye and gave a short nod.

"Hey Hana," she looked up at him, "Dad and I haven't had something sweet all day, want to come with me and get a drink from the machine?" Her eyes got all big and he chuckled.

"Can I get a chocolate?"

"Of course you can." Sebastian kissed her cheek and ruffled her hair when she screamed in delight before setting her down. "We'll be right back, guys." 

"Thank you, Seb." His gut twisted painfully when Joseph smiled a him, but he smiled back and grabbed his wallet. By the time he'd taken Hana's hand and slipped out the door behind him the couple were already whispering in deep conversation.

\----

The cafeteria was on the ground floor along with the lobby, visitors lounge, and gift shop. Nurse Erin rose the elevator with them and cooed over Joseph's daughter the entire way down, to the absolute delight of Hana. She ended up coercing Sebastian into a chocolate pudding and bag of mini gummy orange slices on top of the sodas he'd grabbed for Joseph and himself, then when she caught sight of a small bear wearing a miniature hospital gown that read 'get well soon' he ended up picking that up too. The clerk gave her a balloon for free and laughed as Sebastian dug out a card from his wallet. 

When they passed a piano player in the lobby she made him stop again, enthralled by the sweet song. He gave her a dollar and picked her up so she could drop it in the collection jar sitting on top of the glossy black lid. Hana chattered with the pianist about her own playing and how she had her first recital in the fall. Sebastian had another pang of guilt over that, having completely forgotten that she played at all.

They were waiting for the elevator when she got quiet. Sebastian knew she wanted to say something but he let her build up her own courage instead of pestering the girl.

"Uncle Seb? How did you and daddy get hurt?" He looked down at her, taking a moment to collect himself and find an answer.

"You know how your dad and I hunt down bad guys, right?" she nodded, "Well there was a really bad man in Beacon hospital, baby girl. He hurt a lot of people and when they called us in we ran in to stop him, but he got us first." He stopped there, unable to find the words to continue the explanation. Hana seemed mostly satisfied as they stepped into the elevator, but she asked another question.

"Was the hospital like this one?"

"Yes, and no. People go there when they're hurting too, but not all the hurts are visible like this big old bump on my head." She laughed when he poked at his bruise, "So when they need help they go there. That bad man was preventing them from getting help. He was making the hurts worse." 

"He sounds like a butthead." Sebastian choked on his laughter.

"Yea, he was a pretty big butthead."

"You got him though?"

"I think we did."

\----

When they got back to the room he could see Cheryl and Joseph were still talking. He'd caught Joseph's eye and waved before backing out and catching Hana. It was easy enough to distract her for a few minutes more, he just asked her to check with Erin and the other nurses on if her bear was a good present for her father. He smiled watching them fawn all over her. They broke into the bag of orange gummies while they waited, comfortable in the quiet bustle of the hallway.

"Seb, Hana? We need to talk to you." Joseph's voice drifted to them from the door and Sebastian ruffled the girls hair, picking her up and cradling her with one arm against his hip. Again it shocked him just how much she'd grown, already she was as big as Lily had been but still she felt like she weighed nothing at all in his arms.

Joseph looked pale. Sebastian thought for a moment that they'd been fighting, thoughts drifting to the animated gestures he saw when he dared to peek in on them from the hallway, but Cheryl just looked worried. Maybe even a little tired. Whatever they appeared to be frightened of saying at least hadn't affected their relationship. Sebastian did his best to bury the sharp pang of jealously that reared up inside him but he was too shocked at it's presence to stamp it all down. He stood at the foot of his partner's bed and hitched Hana up higher on his hip, gently rubbing circles into the small of her back. His stomach flipped when Joseph smiled at him, radiating appreciation over the small comforting gesture for his daughter.

"Hana, I have to talk to you about something really important, okay?" Sebastian felt her tiny body curl up into him and he took the bag of their purchases from her and set it on the edge if the bed so it wouldn't "I know that I promised I would stay the night at home more honey, but after what happened at work I'm not going to be able to for awhile." 

"You're not going home?" The voice that trembled below his ear was so small and scared that Sebastian squeezed her a little tighter. He wasn't surprised to hear this after their conversation earlier, but it didn't prepare him for having a similar talk with Hana.

"Not for a little while, honey." Joseph was losing his confidence under the gaze of his daughter, he knew it was for the best but scaring her wasn't what he wanted to do. His heart leapt to his throat when she curled even tighter into Sebastian's shoulder, "I have to take care of this for a little while before you can come stay with me, okay? That doesn't mean we won't see each other, You can visit anytime."

"But where are you going?" When her tiny voice crackled and he heard a little sniffle Sebastian couldn't take it anymore. He cleared his throat and spoke.

"He's coming home with me, baby girl." Sebastian bumped her gently to get Hana to look up at him. For the moment he didn't look over at her parents, basically ignoring the surprised looks he was sure were aimed at him. "Do you remember what we talked about earlier, how hurts aren't always visible?" He brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear as Hana nodded up at him, eyes wide and full of wonder. "That man knocked daddy and I pretty hard, but he hurt me where you can't see too."

"Do you need to go to that other hospital?"

"No, I just need to rest and get better, but I can't do it alone. I'm scared." She looked shocked.

"You're not scared of anything, Uncle Seb!"

"That's not true, I'm scared of anything hurting you or your dad. Me being hurt can hurt you too, so I have to get better, for all of us." Finally he took a chance and glanced at Joseph, surprised to find him just looking at the two if them with an expression of complete fondness. "Dad's just going to make sure I get better."

"You'll be okay, right?" Absently she poked at the healing split in his lip and Sebastian chuckled.

"I'll be okay." 

"Okay." Hana nodded then leaned up and kissed Sebastian on the bruised part of his temple. "Daddy will keep an eye on you, he's really good with me when I'm sick. Ask him to read Goodnight Moon, that one's my favorite!" She kept chattering, asking her mother to make a list of things to bring for both Sebastian and her father, even asking if they could make chicken soup for the pair. He couldn't help but laugh when she admonished Joseph for not telling her right away about her godfather being hurt yet shoving the bear into his arms and wishing him well in the same breath.

He'd been worried that maybe he'd over stepped his bounds but the two of them were smiling and laughing with Hana. They passed out the sodas and all sat around Joseph's bed making plans for the following day. The two of them would pack a bag of Joseph's clothes and bring it by Sebastian's apartment at dinner the next day, Cheryl even managed to make an appointment to repair Joseph's glasses before they'd gotten ready to leave. Hana jumped back into the bed and tackled her father, kissing him goodbye before leaping at Sebastian and doing the same. Cheryl gave him a tight hug, whispering "Thank you, Sebastian. I'm glad you'll be together." Before letting go and waving goodbye. He wondered for a moment why she didn't kiss her husband goodbye, but he didn't want to dwell on it.

Alone again. The room still held the warm atmosphere little Hana had brought in with her, the bear was tucked into the crook of Joseph's arm and her balloon was tied to the railing of Sebastian's bed. He stood to throw away their cans before plopping back into his chair at Joseph's bedside, fidgeting for a moment before speaking "I'm sorry if..."

"No, no Seb that was... Thank you." Joseph smiled a him, eyes shining, "I wanted to ask you myself if I could stay, I just wasn't sure how to bring it up."

"Well thank your daughter then." They laughed softly, "She looked so stricken I couldn't leave her hanging like that."

"You're a great dad, Seb." When Joseph said it like that Sebastian smiled. It was the first time in a long while hearing something like that didn't grip him with a cold sadness, instead he felt bittersweet warmth.

"Just don't expect me to mother hen you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping the introduction if Joseph's wife and child was a good surprise. I'm basing their marriage off my parents own relationship, which is weird but friendly, and I hope you like Cheryl and Hana.


	5. Chapter 5

The air in the apartment is stale and still when the door opens. For a minute Sebastian just stands there in the doorway unable to cross the threshold. It feels like it's been years since he's been here, since he's stepped foot in his home, even though he had woken up in this place only days before. Gently he's snapped from his reverie when Joseph touches his shoulder, looking at him with concern. "It's nothing..." He says, voice quiet and tight. He physically shakes himself and takes a breath before reaching around the edge, flicking on the light, and walking in. Dropping his keys on the table like the everyday action doesn't feel so out of place. 

Sebastian lives in a second story walk up. The building is old, converted from townhouses years before he moved in, with walls of dark red brick and black painted railings with large patches of rust and bare metal where it's flaked off. The stairs have steps made of thin concrete slabs that look more sturdy than they feel and each of the second floor apartments have a balcony that looks more like a nook recessed into the wall with just enough width for a single person to stand at the rail. The layout of all units on Sebastian's side are two bedroom one bathroom living spaces with larger units on the opposing side connected via concrete walkways. When he'd moved in his apartment was already partially furnished. There was a large sectional with a muted grey-green color dominating the living room along with a low coffee table and a computer desk in place of an entertainment system. There were wooden chairs with mismatched cushions and a wobbly dining table that Sebastian had replaced with a round one from the thrift store up the street after sitting at it exactly once. Cheryl had teased him endlessly about the kitchen when she'd come to help clean and found the massive old avocado colored fridge and burnt orange stove. Said it looked like the 70's were still alive.

Eventually Sebastian had given in and made Joseph take a weekend off with him to help renovate. They'd ripped up the brown-orange carpet that had been stamped flat and replaced everything with a short beige one. The stove was replaced with a new electric oven and the peeling particle board cabinets were ripped out and changed to white painted wood. He'd liked the old fridge so he got it restored and painted a nice burnished gray. The bathroom was re-tiled but otherwise left alone. He thought about removing the claw foot tub since he really didn't see himself using it but there was a large walk in shower with glass doors so he was content. They'd mounted a flat screen into the living room wall above the desk and converted the smaller room into an office that Sebastian never touched. The only other thing in his home that he really bought was the queen sized bed and frame he slept on. Joseph had to buy him a dresser, nightstands, and hamper since Sebastian was happy with piles of either clean or dirty. 

After Joseph shut the door the two of them just kind of stood there looking around. When they finally stopped fidgeting they stared at each other and dissolved into strained laughter that lightened the atmosphere. "I'm not the only one that feels so weird to be home, right?" He took off his cracked glasses and cleaned the lenses on the hem of his shirt. The hospital had given them plain white shirts and grey sweatpants to wear home. 

"No, definitely not." Sebastian grinned and ran his hands through his hair, "I keep expecting..." The world to shift. The people to start convulsing and running at them with glowing eyes and boils. Blood and machinery to rip out of the walls and devour the earth at their feet. He didn't say any of that though, just sort of gestured blindly at the wall and shook his head.

"Me too." The smile Joseph gave him was sad but understanding. They knew it may never really be normal again.

"I'm gonna clean up a bit and try to find something to eat, want the first shower?" He laughed with Joseph clutched his chest and faked a swoon at the suggestion.

"You know how to treat a man, Seb."

"I aim to please."

When he slipped off down the hall Sebastian started on the kitchen. There were several coffee cups and glasses in the sink but not much else. Washing them didn't take long at all and he left them drying rim down on a hand towel by the sink. Opening the fridge just made him frown. Had it always been this sparse? When he started organizing the contents it became worse than he thought. Even after throwing out half full bottles, cans, and a few takeout containers the trash was less than a quarter full and there was just about the same amount still in the fridge. Bread, cheese, some packaged lunch meat, water, half a twenty pack of cola, and a few bottles of Guiness is what it all boiled down too. Apparently he would have to go grocery shopping. 

Disturbed and a little embarrassed Sebastian pulled out the trash bag and left it tied outside by the door. There was more food in the cupboards; cereals and various heat and go types of dinner like mac and cheese, rice, canned coups and vegetables. Behind a pile of bagged instant noodles he was surprised to find a sealed package of seaweed sheets. Nori. He'd bought them for the nights when Joseph would stay over. He had been bitter and angry for so long over the Internal Affairs investigation and now it just felt petty. how would he be feeling now finding this simple thing hidden away if Joseph hadn't made it out of Beacon?

It was still good according to the date on the package so Sebastian just put it back in the cupboard and grabbed a glass. His hand was walkway to a bottle of whiskey on top of the fridge before he realized and he recoiled, pit of his stomach cold and heavy. He'd been thinking about getting water, but just reached for that had been such a natural motion. He sighed and leaned against the counter, pinching the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger. After a minute he pulled himself together and grabbed a pen and pad of paper from a drawer. He filled the glass with water from the tap and got to work on a shopping list for later. There was a card tacked above the phone for a local pizza joint that would be more that good enough for now. 

\----

If there was anything of Sebastian's he coveted it was his shower.

It's wasn't particularly large but there was more than enough room to Joseph to stand without fear of knocking over any bottles or leaning into the cold tile. What made him love it was the ludicrous shower head. Back when they'd been renovating the apartment and wandering Home Depot they'd found the contraption. It was over two feet long with an extra wide main shower head that angled downward, another detachable one with a hose at the halfway point, and two more smaller heads that went out and angled inward like the arms of a cross. If you stood in the middle of the shower you were just surrounded in a fog of hot water. He liked to imagine Sebastian had bought it just because he's been staring at the thing since he'd first laid eyes on it. It was devastating to find out his own shower was not compatible with it. Cheryl had teased him about it for weeks, saying he made excuses to visit Seb and take off his clothes. That wasn't a fun conversation when his mother-in-law overheard. 

Thought it wasn't as bad as that first time he'd woken up in the hospital he could really feel the stiffness in his neck and shoulders while he was undressing. He couldn't help but pause and take in his disheveled appearance. The gel had long since worn out of his hair and it hung freely down to the right and brushed over his cheek, he'd been pushing it back the entire day. He still could not bring himself to really look at his chest, though he smoothed a hand over the flat span of his sternum. The clean, unmarked skin frightened him. With a feather light touch he trailed his fingers down and over his ribcage to the side of the abdomen. So many gunshot wounds that he could still faintly feel singing under his skin with nothing to show for it. 

Joseph pulled off his glasses so he wouldn't have to see clearly and kicked off the sweatpants. The shower warmed up in little time and he carefully darted under the spray hoping that despite the thin wall Sebastian couldn't hear him because the sound he made when he was fully enveloped in the hot water was simply obscene. The shower was absolute bliss after two nights in a hospital without. He scrubbed his skin until it was pink, leaning against the cool tile and balancing on one leg to get at his feet. Briefly he was distracted by finding the shampoo and conditioner smelled of Sebastian, though it did nothing to stop him from lathering up his hair. Other than forgetting about his stitches and getting shampoo on the healing skin he did pretty well. Eventually there was nothing left for him to clean but he couldn't bring himself to leave the comfort of the shower. He stood with one arm holding onto the bar of the crazy shower head and face tilted away from the spray so his hair ran into his face. It hit him then that he might have overdone it with the heat.

With the door closed and all the steam collecting in the bathroom it was a little hard to breathe. His head felt a little like it was full of cotton, sleepy and slow. Under normal circumstances turning the water on cold would significantly wake him, but with a skull fracture not so much. Joseph sighed and leaned back against the tile.

"Sebastian?"

\----

"...yea, an hour would be fine. It's the second floor, but tell the kid he can call if he wants one of us to come own. Thanks." The phone clicked off. At least that was one meal taken care of. Truth be told he would have probably ordered out either way, they were both too exhausted to really make anything. 

The pipes creaked when the shower turned off and he could hear Joseph shout through the wall though he couldn't really make out what he was saying. Still he went to the door. He rapped his knuckles on it once before cracking it open, steam escaping into the hall in large cloud. "You call me?"

"Yea. Think I over did it a little." Joseph's voice was a little slurred, he opened the door all the way and waved it back and forth a little to fan out more of the steam before walking in. "Think you could help me out of here? I don't want to fall on my face. Again, anyway." He snorted, grabbing Joseph a towel and opening the glass door. 

"Here, dry off a bit at least." He laughed, Joseph looked like a wet cat. Grumpy with hair plastered to his face. He flipped Sebastian off before tossing the towel over his head to scrub at his hair. "How's your head?"

"Fuzzy, but lucid." Joseph let out a loud exhale and turned to face his partner, wrapping the towel around his waist as an afterthought. "Felt kind faint with all the steam."

"That's why you open the window." Sebastian put one leg over the small ledge into the shower and wrapped an arm around Joseph's back. In turn he threw his arm around Seb's shoulders, the other hand combing back his hair. A flash of memory went off in his head of carrying Joseph into that church were everything had really gone to hell, but he ignored it. Instead he focuses on pulling Joseph out and snagging his glasses from the counter. "Want help to the room?"

"I thought you weren't going to mother hen me."

"More like a nurse. Wait, shit." Sebastian groaned and didn't even try to stop Joseph from laughing, just walked him through the door across the hall and dropped him on the bed with his face turning pink. "I think there's still some of your sleep clothes in the dresser, but you're welcome to anything of mine."

"Thank you, Nurse." This time Sebastian flipped him off, leaving Joseph laughing and naked on his bed while he rooted around in the bathroom for another towel.

"Think you'll be alright while I'm in the shower?"

"Yes, Seb." Joseph chuckled from across the hall, "Did you find anything to make for dinner? I'm starving."

"I ordered in some pizzas."

"That family owned place a few minutes away?"

"Yup." He sighed and gave up trying to find another towel, whenever he had company over and actually looked at what he owned it seemed like there was only one of everything. "You done with that towel? I can't find another." He stopped and blinked at Joseph from the doorway.

"Yea, here." He tossed the towel back and went back to grabbing a shirt from Sebastian's dresser. He was wearing a pair of Seb's flannel pajama pants that hung loose on his smaller frame, and the shirt he pulled on while Sebastian was watching was one of his old band shirts. The Iron Maiden logo was so faint it was almost illegible, and on Joseph it was a perfect fit where he hadn't worn it in years since it was now a size too small. It kind of made him preen seeing Joseph in his clothes, and sent a shock straight down through his stomach that had him hurrying back to the bathroom before he could think on it. 

"I'll be out in a few. The delivery kid should be here in about forty-five."

"Got it."

\----

He'd spent the entire time in the shower torn between his mind trying to be turned on and his body to tired to do anything. Eventually he just did his best to ignore it, failed a little bit, and just scrubbed at his skin until it was clean and raw. Only after walking out of the shower and scrubbing at his hair did he hear the voices drifting in through the open door. He could hear Joseph's laughing and a soft giggle. Cheryl must have arrived while he'd been showering, but he didn't hear the sound of Hana's voice anywhere in the living room. They appeared to be talking about their little girl anyway, it made him smile. Sebastian hoped that they'd be able to make it to her piano recital in a couple of months, he didn't know how long they would be out of work after everything that had happened at Beacon but their boss was a hard ass when it came to asking for time off after already having a bit. He grabbed a can of gel from the medicine cabinet and started lathering up his face for a shave. About halfway through something Cheryl asked caught his ear, half a sentence but it was enough to get his attention.

"...forward your mail here? They'll be sending out the papers to sign in the next few days or so, I don't might bringing them by but I thought I should ask."

"Yea sure, makes it a bit easier. You signed them already didn't you? I can't remember..."

Sebastian dropped the razor. He felt like a fool for not realizing exactly what was going on the moment Cheryl introduced herself to the hospital staff as Taggart instead of Oda. The whole ordeal they'd been through didn't seem like a good enough excuse for not noticing something so important, especially since it obviously had to have been going on for much longer than this to reach the point in their relationship that she was back to using her maiden name. The shock wore off and he had to stomp down hard on the anger that boiled up in it's place. He was hurt that Joseph would keep something like this from him, but just as quickly as it came the anger turned to regret. Joseph probably hadn't told him because Sebastian wasn't really trying to mend their friendship at the time. He was so absorbed in what was going on with his own life he hadn't stopped to think about Joseph's. He felt cold. After another minute of just standing there he decided to just deal with the stubble and rinsed his face in the sink. Distracting himself from dwelling on the situation by toweling his hair again and getting dressed. It would do them no good for him to run out there and hound them both with questions, he'd wait and talk to Joseph another time. Preferably another day. 

\----

"Did she take the news hard after you left?"

"A little, she's missed being able to hang out with you. Daddy and me time." Cheryl stirred sugar into her coffee, "But she understands why, and she has been going crazy with the idea of taking care of you two. I had to stop her from putting all the medicine from the grocery store into the cart! I'm not kidding!" She slapped Joseph on the arm when he laughed at her, "Because of you she thinks DayQuil and cough drops will solve everything!"

"That's so cute!" He continued to laugh while she just sighed at him. 

"She also insists on helping me make the chicken soup, so I'm sure we'll end up with three times the amount we need. Hana says she wants to be a doctor now."

"Wasn't it a ballet dancer last week?"

"Yea, but now that the dads are sick she's set her sight on medical school. We better start putting away."

"We'll be broke forever." Cheryl laughed and Joseph just smiled at her before standing up to replenish his coffee.

"Hey there! How're you feeling?" Sebastian had walked out of the hall with a towel around his shoulders, dressed in his own flannels and a plain grey shirt. Looking a lot more comfortable than he'd been at the hospital.

"Human again." He smiled when Cheryl giggled, but Joseph sort of froze up in the corner of the kitchen. He swallowed down the lump that swelled up in his throat and shook his head to clear it. He wondered if Sebastian would ever talk to him about what happened in the STEM, what he'd been turning into, what he'd tried to do to stop. After finishing his coffee he grabbed a second cup and started making another.

"Where's the little one?"

"She and the other kids had a practice tonight, my Ma took her. She says she loves you though, and there's a gift for you on the counter."

"Hm?" he wandering into the kitchen and laughed. There was a large card with a child's drawing that looked like Hana putting bandages on one stick figure while another was already wrapped up. They were distinguishable by the length of their hair and Joseph's thick glasses. Lily would give him similar gifts for Father's Day. Though she and Hana had been able to meet he was profoundly glad that Hana had been too young to fully understand what happened when she'd died. It had been over three years ago now.

"Seb?" Joseph bumped him with his shoulder. Something must have been showing on his face because the air in the room was charged, but his partner handed him a cup of fresh coffee and broke the tension. He noticed that Cheryl had brought over Joseph's spare glasses, a pair of thin black metal frames that made him look oddly younger, somewhat delicate.

"Thanks, man." Joseph squeezed his shoulder before returning to his seat at the dining table. Sebastian took the card and put it on the fridge.

"So what are you boys making me for dinner tonight?" He snorted.

"Have you looked in my fridge?"

"No, and now I'm afraid." Joseph laughed into his coffee at the look on Cheryl's face, then they were all saved by the knock at the door.

"Pizza's here."

"Yes!"

\----

"Alright boys, get some sleep! We'll be back tomorrow night with dinner." Cheryl squeezed Sebastian hard and he swore up and down she bruised one of his ribs no matter how small she was, barely at level with his chest. "Feel better!" There were some more pleasantries, a little more planning, and Sebastian had to give her Joseph's busted glasses again since they'd nearly forgotten. Again he noticed she left with only a wave to Joseph, the earlier realization drawn back into his thoughts.

"I can't believe you ordered four pizzas." Joseph groaned and flopped down onto the couch.

"You're getting a divorce?" So much for waiting a day. Sebastian coughed and turned a bright shade of red under Joseph's dumbfounded stare. He'd truly been caught off guard. "That was not what I meant to say." He turned and all but ran to the kitchen.

"Yes, I am. Seb, I..." He fidgeted on the couch, "Come here, please." It took a few moments but Sebastian walked over and dropped down next to him. "Cheryl and I made the decision together, it was mutual. No hard feelings. Hana even understands as much as she is able." He turned his body toward Sebastian who was leaning on his knees, for a fee minutes they just lapsed into silence. "Seb... I don't know what else to say."

"Why didn't you tell me you were having problems?" Sebastian's voice was soft, timid.

"You'd pulled so far from me I didn't know how to talk to you, Seb. I was struggling to find a way to reach you... Then I filed that report." He took off his glasses and started cleaning them on the edge of his shirt, a nervous habit, his voice still wracked with guilt. Sebastian took a chance and nudged his knee with his own. "We weren't really talking after that. I just never found a way to bring it up."

"You mean I wasn't talking to you." Joseph opened his mouth to protest but Sebastian stopped him by shaking his head. "I know you want to say that's not true, but it is. I forgave you enough to go back to work and be friendly but I put a great big wall up between us."

"Seb it really is alright." He scooted over until the full length of his leg was pressed into his partner's, "Truth is Cheryl and I weren't having problems, as strange as that sounds. I do love her still, we'll have been married for eleven years and we have Hana, but..." Joseph pinched his nose and leaned back into the couch, "I'm not sure how to describe this."

"Say anything."

"The intimacy between us is just gone. It took the both of us developing feelings for other people to realize that part of our relationship had just died away." Sebastian felt jealousy claw at him again and dug his nails into his palm to let the sharp sting try and drive it back. He'd always felt somewhat like this, the past two years without Myra had left him plenty of time to reflect on it, but the fierce protectiveness and need that had been ripped out of him by the STEM machine was hard to lock back down. He wondered if it had been Kidman that drew his affections. "Once we breached the subject it was surprisingly easy to talk about. We were honest with Hana and let her be as much a part of the process as she could be."

"What did she say?"

"That as long as we're still mom and dad then we should go find our princes." Sebastian snorted, "I'm completely serious, she's obsessed with the Princess and the Frog and true love, all that."

"Got you wrapped around her little finger, doesn't she?"

"Like a ring."

"So what are guys going to do?"

"I've got weekends and Cheryl has Hana during the week, at least on paper. I don't mind her living with her mom, Cheryl's hours are more reliable than mine, and anytime I want to take her somewhere Cheryl doesn't care. She worked out child support and I gave her more than she asked. I planned on moving out before... before this shit happened I was having a test run at a hotel for a week and it was alright. The next step was looking for a place, but.."

"Stay here." He leaned back into the cushions. Joseph stared at him eyebrows drawn together in confusion, lips barely parted like he tried to say something but couldn't find the words. "I mean it, please... Stay here with me." There was more he wanted to add but he wasn't sure how to say it. He wanted to apologize for how awful a friend he had been, to let him make it up to him, that after everything he just didn't want to be apart. He couldn't, so he took Joseph's hand and hoped that maybe that said a little of it for him.

"Okay." When Joseph answered Sebastian let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding and leaned into his shoulder. Gently, possibly for his own sake more than Seb's, Joseph butted his head against Sebastian's temple and simply leaned there for awhile. "I'm tired."

"Let's go to bed." Sebastian pulled Joseph up by their joined hands when he stood.

"Where are the spare blankets?" He raised a brow when Sebastian rolled his eyes.

"Shut up. My bed is more than big enough." He smiled and left Joseph sputtering in the living room. After a moment he huffed and followed him.

"You better not roll over on me."

 

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a spectacularly terrible week in which my tires were slashed, I nearly fainted at work, and rewrote this FOUR times it is here! I hope you enjoy chapter five, and that it was worth the wait.
> 
> My parents were never together while I was alive, they broke up shortly before mom found out she was having me but were always kind to each other. There was never a custody dispute or really a problem about child support/visitations, they just talked it out. After reading bad divorces for years I thought I'd rather like to write a good one, so to speak.


	6. Chapter 6

Everything is eerily still beneath the solemn grey of the overcast sky. It's early enough that few drivers are on the road and the morning fog has yet to dissipate. From where he's standing against his dark brown sedan Sebastian can see about a block down the road before the grey blurs the buildings and the world just seems to fade away. He inhales deeply from a cigarette, holding smoke and frigid air in his lungs until it starts to sting then letting it all out in a huff through his nostrils. It's the first pack he's bought since Beacon and the bitter smoke has never tasted better.

It's been a couple weeks since the incident. The blame has been firmly placed on the doctor, Jimenez, but the police are still clamoring to find the benefactor and partner that made the machine and hiding all they were doing possible. Though no one from the station is confirming the information the local news teams have already made the connection to the Elk River serial killer and have latched onto the story like dogs. For the sake of their science Jimenez and Reuben Victoriano had taken detailed notes. Patients, employees, people from the street that had simply been unlucky, all were written up and put away in files and notebooks that lined the basement walls like a library. An encyclopedia of experiments and death. He and Joseph have been interviewed a few more times by the same detectives that saw them at the hospital, men named Blake and Charles, but they have no way to tell them about Ruvik without revealing too much about the machine. About what they went through inside it. The only hint Sebastian was able to slip them was to look into the prestigious few families who donated to Beacon every year. People whose names were tacked onto the halls and equipment that money paid for. What they'd done with that information he didn't know. This was the one case he'd been glad to be sidelined for.

A diesel truck roared past breaking Sebastian from his sulking. Getting out of his mandated counseling early should have put him in a good mood but his damned doctor, a man named Chandler, had given him too much to think about. They were a bit more open about the nightmares with their doctors but he and Joseph both knew they weren't satisfied with how much they were locking up. Today he'd let it slip that he'd spent most of the previous weekend trying to find out if the melancholy music that led him to safety so many times inside the STEM was a real piece of music. After pestering him for half an hour Sebastian admitted that the days he woke up without screaming or half remembered nightmares it was with the last strings of that melody floating at the forefront of his mind. Chandler had poked and prodded at that one thing until Sebastian felt like throwing a book at him. He had locked down but the doctor still talked about it. Encouraged him that the music must be something that made him feel safe before, something his subconscious could latch into. He probably wouldn't be in such a stormy mood if Chandler hadn't asked what he and Myra had played for their wedding. It made sense really, he had loved Myra so much that something from their happiest days together should have been the answer. It wasn't though. It was one of the first things Sebastian had looked up but he knew it wouldn't be right. The song was locked away somewhere else. Now he was left simmering in residual anger and the guilt that he hasn't thought of Myra more than those few times since Beacon. When he goes for another lungful of smoke he realizes the cigarette had burned down to the filter while he'd been moping and flicks the stub away with a curse. 

"Hey." 

A new cigarette is barely lit between his lips when Joseph speaks. Sebastian jumps and moves to snap at him but stops short at the look on his partners face. His eyes are sunken and red, glasses slightly askew, but he breaks out in a small smile when Seb drops the cigarette and scrambles for it. "Hey." He manages after a minute, "How'd it go with the shrink?" The smile falters.

"Shit, as usual." Sebastian is surprised but doesn't do anything when Joseph steps in close and grabs the cigarette from his hand. He inhales and sighs, "I just..." Smoke drifts from his lips, dribbling out in waves when he speaks "I want to go home, Seb." 

"Joseph..." 

"Please?" He doesn't push it, though he does snatch back his cigarette and grinds it under his heel. The doors have barely unlocked and Joseph is already ducked inside. Sebastian opens his mouth but can't push out what he wants to say. Some days the tension from before Beacon is just gone, forgotten, and it's just domestic and friendly between them. It isn't like before, not back to normal, but Seb would almost say it's been better between them than it had been. Other days, like today, they woke up and the tension made it feel like they could barely talk to each other. He thought back to waking up alone and finding Joseph at the kitchen table then got in the car. It rumbled to life beneath them and Sebastian pulled out onto the empty fog shrouded road.

\----

Sebastian hated the local radio but he willingly switched it on to avoid the heavy silence in the car. Joseph had yet to say a word since leaving the medical center. For a little while Seb had tried to get him to say something, asked if he wanted to stop for lunch or if he'd like to go see Hana before she left for her sleepover, but he'd barely shook his head in response. He stopped trying after that and just tuned into the drive. 

If he could help it Sebastian would avoid the freeway and take a roundabout route through Krimson City that ran through an area of older buildings that were protected by their local historical society. It ran by a small section of woods called the Cardinal, a place filled with hiking trails that Krimson advertised as a last little bit of wilderness in their state. He remembered reading that it was called an Urban Wild or something similar. The trees were still blazing in bright reddish orange leaves but the road was littered with them and several had bare branches with winter oncoming. Soon the rain would give way to snow.

At first when Sebastian heard something sharp to his right he just assumed it was the radio. Another time he blinked to focus and turned toward Joseph. One gloved hand was covering his mouth and his body was trembling. Almost too sharply Sebastian jerked the wheel and pulled the car of the road into the dirt, killing the engine with a flick of his wrist. The key remained in the ignition and the radio droned quietly on so the car wasn't completely silent, but it felt like it. Sebastian dropped his hands to his lap and just stared at Joseph pressing himself into the passenger door. "Joseph?" His voice cracked inside the car and his partner flinched hard as if struck. "Joseph..." He softened his voice and Joseph twitched a little, gasping hard behind his hand.

The bench style seats in the front of the car allowed people to slide out easily with no obstacle, if you sat in the middle the stick shift was at your feet. Sebastian picked up the few folders and notebooks taking up the middle space and tossed them in the back before sliding across the leather. For a few minutes he just sat in Joseph's space, arm slung across the back of the seat so he could feel Sebastian's presence despite him not touching him. Slowly Joseph pulled himself away from the door, sitting himself up straight and staring out the windshield. His breathing came in harsh gulps that shook his entire torso. Sebastian visibly startled when Joseph looked at him then yanked his hand from his mouth with great effort and let out a sharp, ear-splitting sob. It was enough. Sebastian closed the space between them and pulled Joseph in hard against his chest, tucking his partner's face into his neck. 

Joseph's sobbing rocked the car. For a few moments he didn't move while smashed into place against Sebastian. He snaked one arm around his partners waist and the other just gripped Seb's jacket and remained kind of smashed between the two of them. He felt the edge of Joseph's glasses digging into his neck but didn't care, just hummed quietly into Joseph's hair. Rubbing circles between his shoulders. Joseph sobbed and choked on what little air he could swallow down. Words were spilling out of him after a while, needless apologies, admissions of how scared he was, and Seb's name over and over. At one point he asked Sebastian if he was real and genuinely laughed when he responded by calling him a dumbass and squeezing him so hard it kind of hurt. When Joseph felt mostly under control he pulled away but Sebastian kept his arm around him, rubbing and scratching gently at the nape of Joseph's neck hoping to sooth him. Only when Joseph pulled off his glasses to clean them did Sebastian breath easy.

"Well... That's exactly what I didn't want to happen." Joseph's voice was raw from screaming. 

"I'm sorry, I couldn't just leave you alone."

"No! No, not cause you were here Seb, I..." He put his glasses back on and looked at him with wet red eyes, "I'm glad you were here. I just didn't want to..." Though he couldn't get the word out Sebastian knew 'burden' was on the tip of his tongue and frowned. "I didn't want to worry you."

"I've been worried since this morning." He admitted quietly. "You don't have to talk. Really, you don't, but you know... I'll listen, okay?" Joseph wiped at his eyes and took a deep breath that rattled his chest. "I know I'm a shit friend,"

"Seb, no."

"I was a shit friend, better?" He huffed and frowned so hard Joseph could hear it in his voice and it made him laugh. Sebastian just pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned forward to knock his head against Joseph's temple, and not gently. "Look I just want you to know I'll listen, alright?" 

"I know, Seb." The hand that had been knotted in Sebastian's jacket had fallen into his lap. Joseph squeezed his leg and pushed back against his head, ignoring the urge to fix the mussed up state of his own hair. 

They remained pressed together for a short time. A passing diesel truck roared past and Sebastian pulled back to the drivers seat, stretching and popping his neck before turning the engine. Though the rest of the ride was still pretty quiet Joseph was responsive again and asked if the offer was still available to stop by his old house. 

\----

"Daddy!" Sebastian winced at the intensity of Hana's shriek. She barreled out of the door and slammed into Joseph's legs hard enough to double him over, though he didn't mind at all.

"Hi boys." Cheryl laughed from the other side of the door, her hair was a complete mess. The short strands were all going in the same sideways direction as if she'd fallen asleep with it wet. There was green glitter and a foam sticker in the shape of a unicorn stuck to her cheek. "You're just in time to help me clean!"

"I always get stuck with chore duty." Sebastian sighed.

"Hey, you're the one who leaves piles of crap everywhere." Joseph called from down the hall. He had Hana by the hand and was letting her lead him off to see some kind of project. Sebastian slapped a hand to his face and groaned when Cheryl burst into laughter.

"I can't get away with anything when it comes to him." 

"Me either, sweetheart." She slapped him on the shoulder and wandered toward the kitchen, "Want a coffee? You look like you could use one."

"Please." Coffee sounded perfect. The Oda's kitchen reminded him of a beautiful Ikea display, only lived in with a large dash of child's drawings. Hana had art tacked to the matte black cabinets and every single magnet on the fridge was used so the sleek surface was hardly visible save for the ice dispenser. The countertops were a white marble and the table and chairs white wood to match. He never knew how the two of them kept it so spotless. Even now that it was really just Cheryl's kitchen not even a speck of glitter could be found other than on her. She filled the reservoir on a large coffee machine, one of those brewers that used little individual cups instead of brewing an entire pot, and set it to warm up. Sebastian groaned and sat on a barstool next to her at the kitchen island. "Nothing fancy for me."

"Hush, you'll have what I make you, fancy or not." Standing next to him she was still barely even to his sitting height. "How was counseling today?"

"Shit." Cheryl giggled when his face blanched and he looked around to make sure Hana hadn't heard. "Crap, I mean." He sighed. "I know he's there to help, I just don't like talking to him. They always latch onto what you don't want to talk about and drag you through it over and over."

"Feels like interrogation, huh?" He didn't answer her at first, just stared. She blinked when he reached up and pulled the sparkling unicorn from her cheek. 

"Yea."

"If you need someone out of the loop, Sebastian, I'm here for you too." He blinked at her, surprised. Coming to Cheryl wasn't something he'd even considered. Sebastian's small world had shrunk to Joseph and whoever the hell he would be forced by the department to see. The coffee machine hissed as she popped it open and tossed in a little red cup of coffee grounds. "How'd Joseph do this morning?"

"It went okay, I think."

"That bad?" He didn't answer. "Seb? I'm not gonna pry, promise, just let me know later if he's alright?" She wrung her hands and fiddled with the hem of her apron, "He looked like he'd been crying..." Silence hovered between them for a minute while the coffee machine bubbled. "I know you'll take care of him, just shoot me a text or something."

"I will, Cher." The nickname felt strange on his tongue. For the past weeks he's been slipping back into his old place with her. It was weird feeling like he was sneaking back into place while Cheryl treated him as if he'd never left. He and Joseph still tiptoed around each other but it was getting easier, better. A cup was set down in front of him filled with sweet scented coffee and he took a deep drink. "Thank you." 

"Is that what I think I smell?" Joseph walked in with Hana on his shoulders jabbering away. 

"Your special Sumatran extra dark coffee, fresh ground from the store this morning." She teased. Joseph barely heard the first few words and he'd already dashed over to Sebastian and dropped a giggling Hana in his lap before pouncing on the machine. "Thought you might like it."

"You're a saint." Joseph tapped his foot waiting for the cup to brew. He picked it up and held it against his lips without drinking, just inhaling the scent. "I missed this stuff."

"There's coffee at our place." Sebastian frowned, though the effect was ruined by Hana twisting small braids in his hair.

"Folders is almost as bad as the junk they have at the office." Joseph snipped back over his mug and Cheryl giggled.

"Sorry, I'm with Jojo on this one. He's spoiled me." Joseph bristled at the unflattering nickname and Sebastian just smirked at him. 

"Uncle Seb." Hana hissed at him when he moved and ruined her attempt to braid part of his fringe. "I gotta practice!"

"What do you need practice for? It looks like you're doing just fine to me." He huffed and stuck the unicorn sticker on her nose, smiling when it made her go cross-eyed.

"Mary got this big box of hair stuff for her birthday! It's got bands and clips and this chalk that you can draw on your hair with and it makes it different colors!"

"Sounds fun." Sebastian ducked down for a drink of coffee while she kept talking, "You're excited for this party, huh?"

"It's my first big girl sleepover!" She bounced in his lap and kneed him in the gut, laughing at the noise he made.

"Hey Cheryl? Do you mind if I take a couple of these pictures home?" Joseph had wandered back to the main hallway. He and Cheryl had several framed photographs hanging on both sides from vacations, events, but mostly Hana's school pictures and candid shots of them together.

"Not at all, just don't take the wedding ones I still need to make copies. Before I forget that..." She trailed off and jotted a note down on the fridge. Sebastian watched Joseph pace the hallway a bit, sipping at his coffee and carefully going over each picture even though he already knew exactly which ones he would be taking to their apartment. 

"Hey baby girl," Sebastian poked Hana on the cheek to get her attention. "Why don't you go pick out a picture for me, something of you we can hang in the front room." 

"Oh! You can have my favorite, hang on." She jumped off his lap and ran giggling to the hallway.

"I forgot how sweet you were with her." Cheryl spoke so softly he wasn't sure if she'd meant to say it at all. Sebastian stared until he felt his face color then drank from his mug for an excuse to look away.

"Here!" Hana had started yelling from her room all the way back to the kitchen turning the word into one long vowel. When she got close Sebastian leaned down and grabbed her before she could take a flying leap into his lap. "This one! Is it good?" For a moment Sebastian was too stunned to answer. He actually remembered taking the picture she'd brought. It was two years before at Hana's first recital in preschool, a little show the teacher had put on so the kids could show off for their parents. She'd played Mary Had a Little Lamb. In the picture Joseph was still dressed for work, he and Sebastian had been late at work and ended up coming in about halfway through. Hana was in a sparkling yellow dress he was certain belonged to some Disney princess he'd forgotten the name of. Joseph was kneeling on the ground holding Hana with their cheeks smashed together, glasses crooked, smiling so big his eyes were almost closed.

"It's great, baby girl." He squeezed her and kissed the top of her head. "I couldn't have picked one more perfect."

"Alright boys, it's time for us to get going." Cheryl tossed her apron over a chair and started fixing her messy hair. "Do you have your overnight bag honey?"

"Yea momma, I just need my special pillow."

"It's in the dryer, go grab it and I'll get the snacks." 

"Need any help?" Sebastian stood up and held open the refrigerator door after watching Cheryl struggle to keep it open with a hip while she brought out a pink covered tray filled with what he could only describe as sparkling cupcakes. "You can eat glitter?"

"Only very special, very expensive edible glitter." She huffed and set the case on the counter. "Hana insisted. Oh, thank you." She gave him a quick hug when Sebastian carried the tray to the door for her, balancing the framed photograph in the crook of his arm. "Oh! Hang on," she dashed back to the kitchen while he waited just outside the open door. She ran back just as Hana and Joseph emerged from the back of the house, Hana holding what looked like a flat unicorn. "Here! Take this, he's a lot more manageable in the morning when he's had his favorite coffee." Cheryl handed him a bag with two slim cans of ground coffee with a blue cityscape label he didn't recognize. At some point he'd have to ask her where she shopped because he would never find the place on his own.

"I'm sure Joseph will appreciate this, thank you."

"You're welcome, hon." Cheryl winked as she walked past him to her car. "I like playing wingman once in awhile."

By the time Sebastian realized what Cheryl had said he was already halfway to his own car and she didn't hear him when he yelled back "Wait, what?"

\----

"Really?"

The answer Sebastian gave was lost in the couch cushions but Joseph was pretty sure it had been a 'yes.' Detective Castellanos had walked into their apartment and promptly fallen face first onto the short arm of the sectional, legs sticking off the armrest into the air. He could hear Joseph laughing at him from the kitchen while he put away the food and photographs they'd brought from Cheryl's. "Feel like another coffee, Seb?" He responded but again didn't turn away from the cushion. "I'll make enough for two then." Another muffled grunt from the cushion and Joseph chuckled. He let Sebastian doze on the couch while he went through a sort of homecoming routine. He played their messages and jotted down a number to call back, cleaned up the few dishes left in the sink, and straightened up the mess of papers on the dining table. They had been filling out paperwork for their boss, hopefully after the next few rounds of counseling he and Sebastian would be cleared to come back to work. It would likely be desk work at first but it was better than sitting around. They would probably have been back already if the Beacon incident hadn't ended up so big. 

With time and some help from Cheryl and their boss they'd been able to piece together what had happened. Sebastian had been missing for several days before walking out of Beacon despite them all remembering it as only a single chain of events. Joseph and Kidman had been driving around with Connelly looking for an informant that said they had something on the missing detective when someone else had taken them, though they now both suspected Julie had something to do with it. In total the trio and Connelly had been together inside the hospital for two days, Sebastian himself for five. It was suspected that Sebastian had been taken from the parking lot at the precinct. Though it had become less frequent it wasn't a surprise to find him working late on his wife's missing persons case. Many at the precinct just turned a blind eye to it. Myra had been missing for three years and as long as Sebastian's work wasn't affected his coworkers didn't care. They had been her friends as well and many knew in the same position they would be actin no different. Only her boss, a man named Brown, thought Sebastian had anything to do with her disappearance. Joseph was infinitely grateful for Cheryl over the course of those frightening days. Not only had she dropped everything to care for Hana while he was out hunting for Sebastian she kept their daughter pacified by telling her they were working late together. One day they could tell her what happened, but for now it didn't matter.

"Joseph?" Sebastian had rolled onto his back and sat up looking at him. Joseph was standing with a stack of papers shaking slightly in his hands. He shook his head and set them back down.

"I'm alright, just lost in thought. Put something on, I'll get the coffee."

"Sure." It took longer than Sebastian would ever admit for him to grab the remote without getting up from the couch, but eventually he got it and flicked on the TV. Blissfully the local news had given up on Beacon for the night and the big story was something about installing new speed bumps throughout Krimson City. "Fascinating..."

"Let me see that." After carefully setting down mugs on the coffee table Joseph flopped onto the couch right next to Sebastian's head, unaware his partner had been staring. The TV flickered between channels but it was mostly the same stuff, news and sitcoms. "We need to get Netflix." Sebastian couldn't help but laugh.

"I'd never get you off the couch, you'd watch shit movies forever."

"You know you'd watch with me."

"True." They ended up on some kind of paranormal crime drama, a woman who could commune with ghosts to solve their own murders. It wasn't something Joseph would normally put on but Sebastian wasn't sure if he should point that out or not. He nodded off a little until he felt Joseph's fingers run through his hair. At first he thought it might have been a fluke, Joseph just needed a place to put his hand, but he kept on petting him. Running his fingers up and down the back of his head and scratching gently every so often. Sebastian groaned into the couch before turning his head to say something. Whatever it was died on his tongue. Joseph was just looking at him with an expression he couldn't quite place, he opened his mouth a little but shut it again. Seb didn't push, just waited. After a few minutes he reached out and put a hand on Joseph's thigh.

"I almost killed myself this morning." It was not what he expected to hear. At least his expression must have been good because it made Joseph laugh a little. "Not the way you're thinking."

"Why then?" 

"I... I had a nightmare." His voice cracked. "More like a memory." He was quiet for a while. Sebastian rolled over onto his side curling one arm beneath his head like a pillow and dropping the other over Joseph's lap. Joseph repositioned with him, burying his fingers deeper into his partner's hair. He gestured a little while he spoke. "We were back on that cliff before the church, the jutting ridge over all that... Nothing. With the guillotine."

"Yea." It wasn't a memory Sebastian wanted to recall. Of all the times the STEM had tried to break him it was one of the worst. Often he had nightmares of Joseph succeeding, leaving him alone and unable to continue on. 

"I didn't realize that I had been dreaming at first. I dropped the plank to let you across then jumped you, I had the gun at my head... Then I just started screaming." Joseph looked away, expression strained. "I felt this splitting pain in my head and the next thing I knew you were holding me, trying to shake me awake, calling my name and I... I had my hands around your throat."

"Joseph..."

"I was choking you, Seb, and you just kept telling me it was all going to be okay. I could feel the moment you couldn't take in air anymore." He choked on the words. "I don't know when I woke up but I took your side arm from the nightstand. The gun was in my hands, Seb, I had it..." He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a few shaky breaths, Sebastian squeezed his leg and rubbed his thigh with his thumb. "I only realized I was awake and home when you snored."

"I don't snore." The resulting snort from Joseph made the blatant lie completely worth it.

"Oh shut up." He wiped his eyes and smiled down at Sebastian. "I'm sorry I left this morning, I couldn't stand taking comfort in you when I had almost woken you up by... Yea."

"Wake me up next time."

"Seb, I have nightmares every night."

"Don't care, wake me up." He pulled himself closer and buried his face in Joseph's thigh, arm tucked in around his waist. "Not like I don't have them, too."

"Okay." Joseph answered a few minutes later, still stroking Sebastian's hair while he snored softly in his lap. Days later when Sebastian packed his gun away in the nightstand within a locked case he found his nightmares easier to deal with. Having Seb there when he woke afraid made it easier still.

 

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me just say that I am sorry this took five thousand years to post.
> 
> I actually had a large amount of material written that I intended to be chapter six back in April, however I realized that when I read from five to six the jump made absolutely no sense and decided I had to write some more plot before I got to the big one I tried to shove in there. This entire chapter I am posting has nothing in it from what I wrote in March/April, which is partly why it took forever. The good news is I have the majority of Seven done, though it's short, and a good part of eight.
> 
> I hope you like it guys! Again I am so sorry I took a million and a half years ilu guys ;A;


	7. Chapter 7

At first the only sound he makes is a mild whimpering, fingers twitching where they're clenched into the sheets. He mouths wordless sounds into the pillow between soft cries and gasps that make his partner next to him stir but not wake. It goes on like that for awhile, in fact it's like that almost every night for the two of them, but some nights are worse than others.

Around two in the morning is when the shouting starts. With a gasp he finally really wakes and thrashes away from the blankets continuing to shout as he wrestles from the grip of haunted men only to look back and find the sheets tangled round his arms and legs. The fabric tears as he rips it away from himself, kicking away from the bed and reaching around the dark for the gun he's sure he dropped until he realizes that his fingers are tearing at clean carpet and not bloodied tiles. It doesn't matter what the nightmare had been about at this point, it all came back to the same scene. Beacon and blood. The only thing that ever changed was who died.

Distantly he hears someone speaking, voice raised but not quite shouting, but he's too lost to panic to respond. Someone wraps their arms around his midsection and he cries out as he's bodily dragged from his crouch by the bedroom door that he doesn't remember crawling to and across the hall into the bathroom of what he finally recognizes as his own apartment. Only when he's blinded by the florescent light clicking on is he shocked fully back into reality and hears what his partner is saying.

"It's okay, Seb, I'm here. I have you..." Over and over Joseph repeats it like a mantra, hands holding tight on either side of Sebastian's face forcing him to look him in the eye. Grounding him. He's standing with his back against the counter with Joseph nearly pressed full length against his front, repeating that he has him, that he isn't leaving. Sebastian gasps hard and takes several deep breaths. He releases his grip on the sharp edge of the counter with a wince and grabs Joseph's wrists instead, hands shaking. He moves forward too fast and knocks his head hard into Joseph's own, letting out a choked laugh when his partner deadpans "Ow." The calm lasts a few moments until a little piece of his nightmare flashes in the back of his mind.

"No, no..." Sebastian shudders as he pushes at his partner, clawing at the hem of his sleep shirt. A shirt that he stole from Sebastian a week after moving in. Joseph understands and holds up his arms to give the scared man access, allowing him to forcibly pull it up nearly to his neck. Sebastian's hands are cool against his skin, shaking hard as he skims over his chest. Only when he's touched Joseph for himself does it sink in that he's uninjured and he lets out a deep, shaking breath and starts to sob.

"She shot you, she shot you and we fell and I couldn't find you..."

"I know, Seb, I know. I'm here though, I'm here with you." Joseph whispers into the shared space between them, voice cracking with the effort to speak. "You did find me, we're home. I promise..."

"Kid, fuck... I could have killed her."

"Julie didn't intend to hurt me, Seb."

"I know that! I know and I still, still... God..." He choked violently on a sob and his legs fell from under him, kept upright only by Joseph's hold on him. When he chokes again Joseph pulls him over to the toilet and lowers him down to grab at the bowl while Sebastian shakes and vomits. He doesn't stop for several minutes even when all that comes up is bile and spit and he's bleeding where he's bitten straight through the skin on the inside of his lip. The entire time Joseph is a comforting presence, rubbing circles low on his back, gently talking with his face pressed into the back of Sebastian's shoulder. He coughs and spits once more before flushing the toilet and leaning his forehead into the cold rim of the bowl. "I thought you died." His voice is like sandpaper in his throat and he winces at how loud the words sound echoing back at him from the toilet. When he looks up at Joseph his eyes are red and shining. He can taste the blood on his lip.

"I though I died, too." It's whispered so quietly Sebastian doesn't quite know if he really heard it until Joseph looks away and wipes at his eyes. He looks so much younger without his glasses, vulnerable now that he can't hide behind them. "Are you alright?"

"Yea..." Sebastian licks his lip and spits blood into the toilet, flushing it again before getting gingerly to his feet. He doesn't need to be carried as they make their way towards the counter but Joseph keeps his hands on him and the touch is comforting. "Let me just..." He gestures vaguely at his mouth chuckling when Joseph squints at him confused before he gets it, leaving Sebastian at the sink to rinse his mouth while he returns to their shared bedroom.

The cool tap water stings his burning throat but it thankfully washes the taste of vomit from his tongue. He rinses several times and can hear Joseph chuckling when he returns while Sebastian is gargling diluted mouthwash. He spits, wipes his mouth on his shirt, and stares at himself in the mirror. "I look like shit."

"Yes you do. Come here, let me look at you." Sebastian hops up onto the counter next to the sink with a grunt. Joseph pulls a modest sized first aid kit from the cabinets where the towels are kept and drops it next to Sebastian's thigh before knocking his knuckles against his knee, stepping into the space between his thighs when Seb pulls his legs apart. Joseph is gentle when he takes hold of Sebastian's jaw, muttering that he needs a shave while running the pad of his thumb over his bottom lip. "Open..." Seb is obedient and Joseph tilts his head to peer inside, thumb lingering at the twin scars splitting his partner's lip. The first scar is so old Joseph can't remember a time Sebastian didn't have it, almost invisible against his skin with age. The one from Beacon is fresher, still red in color, and it stretches farther down toward his chin. His thumb brushes over them again then pulls his lip down to see the cut. "I don't think you need to put anything on it, your teeth just scraped over the surface. The bleeding is already slowed, stop tonguing at it!" Sebastian huffed when he slapped his thigh to stop him from licking his lip.

"Thanks, Nurse." He couldn't help grinning when Joseph's cheeks colored and he pulled away to stash the first aid kit back in the cabinet.

"Very funny, you ass." He held his hand out to him palm up, "Come to bed with me?" Joseph sounded exhausted but relieved. Though he didn't say anything Sebastian took the offered hand and hopped down from the counter.

Their room was quite the mess. The fitted sheets were pulled from the foot of the bed exposing the mattress and the blankets were heaped on the floor of Sebastian's side and stretched nearly out the door. Sebastian cursed under his breath when he picked up the thin top sheet and found a large hole ripped straight through one of the corners. He didn't bother attempting to fold it, just bundled it into a lump and tossed it in a corner while Joseph pulled the bedsheets back into place. He feels awkward now that he's calm and more under control. It isn't the first time for him or for Joseph that they've woken up like this, but it's still embarrassing. He feels weak in these moments, like part of him is still locked away in a cage somewhere. In someone else's head. "Joseph, I'm..."

"Get in bed, Seb." He snorts at the rhyme when Joseph interrupts. He half expected him to be glaring from across the room but his partner was just cleaning his glasses and watching expectantly. "Please?"

"Fine." He took a moment to untangle the comforter and toss in onto the bed before sliding in, rubbing at his eyes with a groan.

"How do you feel?"

"I'm worried about dreaming again." Sebastian had given up on lying to Joseph when it came to moments like this, he'd just know anyway. "I keep seeing it, the park, Kidman, and you falling..." He takes a deep breath that rattles in his chest and presses his palm into his eyes hard enough that stars flicker beneath the lids. The bed dips when Joseph sits on the opposite side. Sebastian can feel him staring and lets his arms fall back to the bed. He can't bring himself to look away from where his partner was shot. "I keep waiting for you to bleed out on me." The confession surprises them both.

Joseph lets Sebastian brood in silence for a few minutes until an idea strikes, and even then he takes time to consider it. He sighs and tugs the borrowed shirt over his head before he can convince himself out of it, fingers briefly lingering over his side where the bullet had gone through in that bus. The room blurs when he takes off his glasses, folding them neatly and setting them down on the nightstand flicking off the lamp as he rolls into bed. Snatching the blanket from Sebastian and covering himself, ignoring the look he could just barely make out on Seb's face from the little light through the open door.

"Hey..." Joseph's voice is soft and comforting in the dark. There's a moment of brief hesitation before he closes the space between them, pulling Sebastian in by the waist until his face is pressed into the hollow of his throat. For a few minutes he sort of hovers against Joseph, one arm posed as if to wrap around his waist, the other trapped somewhat awkwardly between the two of them. Sebastian squeezes his eyes shut and exhales heavily through his nose muttering "Fuck it." He drops his arm relaxing into Joseph's hold and pulling the man close. From their position it's hard to deny Joseph is whole and fine, if he dreams and wakes his face is inches from his chest. Awhile later when he's finally drifting off to sleep again Sebastian tightens his grip, pulling Joseph closer and pressing his mouth against his sternum. If he's awake he doesn't say anything about it, and Sebastian is simply too exhausted to care about the small display of affection.

Finally he falls back asleep. a soft piano melody ringing in his ear.

\----

Though he managed to sleep through all their alarms and nearly til noon the ringing of the house phone manages to annoy Joseph into leaving the bed after approximately the seventh call.

It hasn't been ringing off the hook really, just any where between ten minutes to half an hour it rings and he startles awake to hear the faint sound of the voicemail recording whatever it is the caller has to say. He might have been able to pick the last call up before the message kicked in if Sebastian hadn't been wrapped so completely around him, face pressed into his shoulder snoring away. It would have been endearing if it weren't for the drool. "Seb..." He tried to quietly rouse his partner to no avail, eventually giving up after snapping at him and flicking his nose didn't even make him stir. Joseph groaned and pulled Sebastian's fingers from where they were digging into his hip, bunching the blankets in the warm hollow he left. Though interested in whatever had someone calling so much Joseph took a moment to jot 'Kitchen' on a ripped piece of paper in case Sebastian woke before he could come back to bed. Unsure of where to leave it so it wouldn't be missed Joseph looked around the room until he found a drawing Hana had made for Sebastian. He stole a glittering sticker in the shape of a green heart and stuck the paper to the sleeping man's forehead with a smirk, snagging his glasses from the nightstand on his way out.

The fragile good mood of the morning is short lived once he steps into the living room. One of them must have forgotten to close the window the night before and the sound of several voices filtered in from the street below. Truth be told he didn't have to look to know what was down there but Joseph approached the window either way. Several men and women were grouped on the sidewalk below their apartment, a few of them half hidden beneath the canopy of several colorful umbrellas. If it weren't for the cameras in their arms they might have been a group stopping to prepare for the coming rain. Joseph cursed under his breath and made his way to the message machine.

"Hello Detective Castellanos, this is Martha Simmons with the KCLA news team and I wanted to ask if you would let us interview you about the lastest release in the Beacon Mental massacre case..." She trailed off into reporter jargon, something about Sebastian's duty to Krimson City to tell the truth behind the incident. Joseph hit the delete button halfway through her little speech. The following messages were mostly the same, reporters from local news stations and a couple small papers asking for pretty much the same thing, but none elaborated on what the break had been to renew interest in hounding the two of them. He hasn't seen any press since the first week they'd moved back home. A small mob had camped out until a combination of police and angry neighbors came to their rescue. The brother and sister across the hall had been especially fervent in shouting the reporters away, apparently Sebastian was their favorite neighbor. A high laugh from outside brought him back to the situation at hand and he crossed the apartment to slam the window shut.

Joseph deleted every message before pausing at the last one. The caller ID read out the number for the prescient he and Sebastian worked at. The chief of their unit, an Amazonian woman named Adelaide Kobör, usually called to check on them or inform them of jumps in the fight to get them back to work. When he hit play expecting her the voice on the other end shocked him.

"Hey Castellanos, Oda, this is Jay from the office... Look I know I haven't talked you since Oscar... Please call me back, I have to tell you something but I don't want to do it over voicemail just... Here's my cell number..." The young male officer rattled off his number in a whisper so low Joseph had to play the message twice to catch it all. Jason Nichols was Oscar Connelly's partner. He hadn't spoken to them since Beacon, though neither blamed him. They walked out of there alive while his best friend for nearly ten years never would. He dialed immediately.

"Hello?"

"Jay? This is Joseph Oda."

"Oh thank god, hang on..." On the other end of the phone Joseph could hear the patrol officer excuse himself and the rustling of fabric, he assumed Jason had tossed his phone into his pocket. Several doors open and shut before he picked it up again. "Sorry I had to run to the Chief's office, only safe place to be down here."

"Jason are you alright?"

"Yea... No. Shit, man, it's a real clusterfuck at the office." He heard heavy static when the officer took a deep breath against the microphone, "The shit has really hit the fan, Oda. I can't tell you much so please don't ask me to explain any of this, I've only got a minute..."

"Go ahead, Jay." Joseph's voice was tight as he swallowed down the urge to question. 

"They got through all those notebooks from Beacon, the one's that listed all the victims..." Jay paused again breathing hard, probably making sure he wasn't heard, "The doctor's partner apparently kept a failsafe against Jimenez, a list of every place they hid bodies, who they burned, who helped them do it... Joseph there were police working with them."

"What...?"

"They had police, several departments, several precincts... Look IA is rooting people out right now but before they could someone involved leaked it to the press. Chief Kobör says don't talk to anyone, no reporters, only us and the officers who've been talking to you already, Charles and his partner? They're clean."

"Okay, okay I... This is messed up, Jay."

"I know..." There was a muffled noise that could have been a sob, "There's something else too, not related really just... Oscar's funeral is set for two weeks from Saturday, we're trying to keep it under wraps but you guys were his friends, I know he'd want you there."

"Thank you." Joseph swallowed around the lump in his throat, pinching the bridge of his nose and taking a deep breath. "Thank you, Jay, that means a lot."

"I'm sorry for not coming after it happened, I just couldn't do it, I was so mad at you for being alive... It was stupid, so stupid."

"We don't blame you at all, Jay, Sebastian or I would have reacted exactly the same and you know it."

"I guess..." He snuffled and Joseph heard him blow his nose on something, "Alright I gotta let you go, warn Sebastian will you? And stay away from the news, no one has all the information yet and all the speculation... it isn't pretty."

"I will, Jay, and we'll be there for Oscar..." They trailed off with awkward goodbyes. Joseph took a moment to tell him to only call his or Sebastian's work cell phones and right after hanging up unplugged the landline. The two detectives were officially under self imposed house arrest. Joseph leaned against the fridge and groaned into his hands. After such a heavy conversation the silence in the apartment had become oppressive. He flicked on the television and flipped it to some civil court show for noise on his way back to the bedroom.

Thankfully Sebastian was still asleep, half buried in the blanket that had taken Joseph's place. At first he picked up his discarded shirt from the night before, a faded relic from Sebastian's college days when the only album he listened to was Iron Maiden's Powerslave, until he shivered. The stormy sky had set a chill in the apartment. He opted to grab a thin hooded sweatshirt from Sebastian's side of the dresser instead, plain black with their prescient numbers on the back, folding the sleep shirt and leaving it on the dresser top. At some point he would really have to bring the rest of his clothes over. He grabbed his cellphone and was already dialing before slipping back into the hall.

"Hey Cher, how are you?" The relief from just hearing her answer already lifted his mood, "I'm alright, sort of... I was wondering if you weren't busy you two could come over today? I think we're gonna need the company..."

\----

It took Sebastian about thirty seconds too long to realize that he had not in fact lost sight in his right eye upon waking.

A disgruntled noise escaped him while he sort of slapped the paper off his face, squinting at it for a few seconds until he managed to actually read it. He looked around the room then, reaching out from the blankets to Joseph's side of the bed. "Fucker..." He complained into the comforter, not wanting to get up out of bed. The hope that Joseph had maybe put on a pot of coffee finally had him rolling out of bed fifteen minutes later. 

"Morning beautiful." Joseph laughed when Sebastian flipped him off on his way to the bathroom, busying himself with the eggs he had frying on the stove. A few minutes later the older detective stumbled his way into the kitchen and Joseph took pity on him, "Here, fresh pot." The sound Sebastian made when he was handled a mug of coffee could have been called indecent. "How do you feel?"

"Shit." Sebastian growled out before taking a large gulp of coffee, "Less shit now."

"Good, didn't want to give you the bad news if you were feeling fantastic."

"Oh shit, what happened?" His eyes widened and he nearly dropped his mug, "It isn't the girls right?"

"No! God no, Hana and Cheryl are fine... it's about Beacon, Seb." He watched Sebastian walk around the kitchen island and sit in one of the two barstools with a grunt. After taking the time to drain his coffee Sebastian slid the empty mug back over to Joseph and sighed.

"Alright, pour me another and fill me in." 

Joseph kept cooking while he talked, once in awhile interrupting to ask if he still wanted food or a refill. Other than elaborating if Sebastian asked him a question Joseph told him everything rather bluntly, wanting to get it over with as quickly as possible. He was quietly satisfied that Sebastian ate his food despite the nature of the news.

"Did Jason give you any names of who in our department..." The question remained unfinished, hanging in the air between them.

"For certain Jay and the Chief are clean, but for everyone else? I don't know Seb."

"I feel like I should have seen this coming." Sebastian pushed the last of his eggs around with a piece of toast. "All those people in the machine, everyone we were fighting, they'd been hooked up just like us. Even if they had been picking off homeless and travelers first that was too many bodies for someone not to notice. When they started showing up on Elk River Jimenez had to have been at least been paying someone in the department off, but at the scale of their... research," he snorted, "I'm more inclined to think they had officers working with them. For a long while." There was something about the way he said it that had Joseph on edge, but he wasn't brave enough to confront it.

"I never looked up the date of the fire, the one that killed his sister." He didn't miss the way Sebastian shuddered at the mention of Laura.

"From what he showed me any report will say he died too, if there are any reports about it. We'd have better luck looking up the parents," Sebastian ran his fingers through his hair and scrubbed at his face, "Those moments I told you felt something like memories? I saw him talking to the doctor after they died, he killed them to get their resources sent to the hospital. I know he had to be working on his machine before that, but killing them may have been the catalyst to all of this."

"Is this ever going to stop haunting us?" Joseph asked as he walked over, dropping down into the second barstool. "I keep thinking that maybe today I just won't have to think about it, then..." He gestured toward Sebastian and startled a little when the older man grabbed his hand and held it. 

"Shit happens?" He offered helpfully, smiling when the joke made Joseph laugh. He let go of his partner's hand to get up and put on other cup of coffee when he noticed the time. "Oh fuck, the counselor."

"Don't worry about it." Sebastian looked at him, shocked that Joseph would be the nonchalant one over missing such an important appointment. "I already called and explained what happened, under the circumstances he was perfectly fine with rescheduling."

"You're the best, you know that?" He hadn't really meant to say it out loud but the look on Joseph's face made it worth the slip. "I'm going to make another pot, do you want more?"

"Yes, thank you Seb." He smiled so warmly it threw Sebastian off, he ended up clipping the counter with his hip and dropping the used coffee grounds on the floor. "Need help there?"

"Sit down, Joseph, let me take care of you for a change. Watch your trash TV." He waved him off toward the living room. Joseph was still laughing when he flopped down on his favorite seat in the corner of the sectional.

"I told you, if we had Netflix we wouldn't have this problem."

"Buy it then."

\----

The sun had sunk beneath the city skyline by the time the rain started. Joseph couldn't even find it in himself to be sorry for the camped out cameramen. A few had left for the night but there were still a good amount huddled across the street waiting for one of them to leave the apartment. He had to hand it to the woman who lived below them, she might have been ninety and nearly deaf but she put the fear in the group of them for standing outside her window all morning. He would have to get her a thank you gift.

They'd lost themselves in a marathon of daytime court dramas that Joseph found enjoyable mostly for how frustrated Sebastian got at the more ridiculous cases. One in particular where a mother counter sued her neighbor for daring to suggest her boy keyed their car was particularly hilarious, especially when Sebastian yelled at the TV. He was still comfortably nested sideways in the same corner seat, legs kicked up and feet in Sebastian's lap. The older detective had complained when he'd first dropped them there but didn't kick him off. Sebastian had one arm over the back of the couch and the other across Joseph's shins, hand resting across one foot with his thumb rubbing against his ankle. 

"Hey, your phone." Sebastian's voice broke the comfortable silence. He ran his hand up Joseph's calf when he didn't respond, dozing off against the cushions. After another high pitched ring from Joseph's cell he gave up and slid out from underneath his legs, hurrying to the kitchen to pick up the call. "Joseph's phone."

"Huh?" Joseph pushed his glasses up and rubbed at his eyes, "Seb?"

"You're parked outside?" He watched Sebastian jog over to the window and look out at the street, smiling at the excitement in his partner's voice. He didn't have to ask to know who he was talking too. "I don't think they know you're here for us yet, they're mostly trying to keep out of the rain. Do you need help carrying anything up? I can... No that's fine, I'll meet her on the stairs." He hung up quickly and tossed the phone on the dining table.

"You owe me a new one if you break that." Joseph teased, still being lazy on the couch. Sebastian just laughed as he disappeared into their room, coming out a few moments later with a new shirt and a pair of slippers dangling from one hand. "Didn't want to show off in your undershirt?"

"You aren't even wearing a shirt under that." He pointed at the hooded sweatshirt Joseph pilfered from his clothes, dropping the slippers and sliding them on. Joseph looked down as if he'd just noticed.

"Eh, she's seen me in worse." Sebastian was still laughing when he opened the door and peeked around the corner down the stairs. The sound of a car door slamming shut had him smiling wider than Joseph had seen in days before he darted out and down a few steps. There was a bit of a commotion, shouts muffled from the rain he assumed were the few still camping across the street. Most noticeable was a yell of what could only be described as pure childish glee. When Sebastian leapt back inside the apartment it was with his arms full of a giggling Hana, dressed head to toe in bright red rain gear with large black polkadots. She screamed when Sebastian kissed her on the cheek, wiggling around and dropping the stuffed unicorn pillow she'd been holding.

"Uncle Seb your face is scratchy!" His only response was to rub his cheek against hers and make her scream louder. Joseph finally pulled himself away from the couch when Cheryl darted in, over encumbered with her and Hana's overnight bags and plastic bags of Chinese take out. He gave her a quick hug and took the duffles, carrying them back to the master bedroom and letting Cheryl handle getting the food into the kitchen.

"Jeeze, I can't believe they're still out there! Vultures." Cheryl huffed angrily as she dropped her bags on the counter, stripping quickly out of her own peacoat. She watched Hana shrieking and laughing when Sebastian blew a raspberry on her cheek. "At least you look like you're feeling better."

"Hey Cher, I am really happy to see you too." Sebastian walked over and gave her a one armed hug, Hana squirming and giggling where he tossed her over his shoulder. "I thought you guys had practice?"

"Hana can miss one lesson." Cheryl smiled then reached up to pat his cheek, "You two are more important tonight."

"How are you doing, ladybug?" Joseph snuck up and snagged Hana off Sebastian's shoulder, kissing her several times and pulling off her little rain cap to muss her hair. 

"Daddy!" She threw her arms around his neck, "We were making jack o'lantern masks in class today, I made one for you and Uncle Seb they're in my backpack. Are you still gonna carve pumpkins with me?"

"Of course I am, we'll go pick pumpkins this weekend."

"I completely forgot about Halloween." Sebastian scratched his chin and shrugged.

"I nearly forgot too, there have barely been any decorations because of the rain." Cheryl hung her coat on the back of one of the dining room chairs and kicked her heels off next to the door. "Hana, why don't you tell your dad what you wanna be this year."

"A Velociraptor!" Joseph blinked at her dumbfounded while Sebastian just laughed from behind him. She was completely serious though, nearly bouncing in his grip.

"We watched Jurassic Park yesterday. I think she liked it." Cheryl started pulling take out boxes and styrofoam containers from the bags.

"Can we make a Tyrannosaurus pumpkin?"

"I can try, we'll print up a pattern or something." Joseph put her down and helped her out of her raincoat and boots. "Seb can help us."

"Better you carve it than me, I can barely make the regular old pumpkin face." Sebastian pulled down a very small stack of plates and a few bowls from the cabinets. He paused for a moment while pulling out forks for everyone when it struck him how familial this was, and how good it felt to be surrounded by these people. How he had let himself push them to the side for so long he didn't know.

"Hey," Joseph stepped up next to him, touching his hand to the small of Sebastian's back, "You okay?"

"Yea, I am. Really." He smiled before grabbing Joseph by the shoulder and pulling him in for a tight hug. "Thank you."

"Seb?" The worry was evident in his voice, but he wrapped his arms around Sebastian's back and held just as tightly. 

"I mean it. I really regret pushing you away like I did, Jo." The shortened version of his name made Joseph snort. He sort of stiffened when Sebastian's hand moved up to the back of his head and he pressed his mouth against Joseph's temple where his hairline began. "I don't know what I'd do without you." Joseph didn't get a chance to respond, he was broken from the moment by the false shutter sound of a digital camera. When he pulled away, face burning, Cheryl was tucking her phone away and giggling.

"I couldn't help it! I'm sorry!"

"You are so not sorry." He turned back to Sebastian and was surprised to see his cheeks were colored, but he was still smiling down at Joseph. Sebastian grabbed a plate and held it out to him. 

"Come on, let's eat. I'm starving."

Dinner was demolished quickly, plates were piled in the sink and boxes littered the counter since no one felt like getting up to clean. Afterward they put on Hana's new favorite movie and spread out on the couch. Hana didn't even make it to the T-Rex's escape, she had crawled on Sebastian and braided a few sections of hair on the side of his head before laying on his chest and immediately fell asleep. He followed suit soon after, still exhausted from the early morning nightmares. Soon only Joseph and Cheryl were watching raptors chase the children through the Park kitchen, rain pattering loudly against the window. When they screamed Joseph looked at his daughter and partner worried it might have stirred them, but they slept on even with Sebastian snoring.

"You should see the way you look at them. Especially him." He jumped when Cheryl spoke, unable to stop the blush from happening. 

"You will never stop teasing me, will you?"

"Nope, it is my ex-wife and still friend privilege." She winked at Joseph and gently kicked him on the thigh. "You know you love it." His response was to stick his tongue out at her. "You know I think I'll make that picture my new lock screen wallpaper..."

"Don't you dare!" Joseph hissed. She opened her mouth to say something when his expression suddenly changed, confusion all over his face.

"Joseph what's wrong?" Behind his head light flickered in from the window, blue and red in tandem. He gently lifted Sebastian's feet from his lap before making his way to the window. "What's out there?"

"A patrol car. The crowd is mostly gone, no one has been causing trouble..." There was a tremor in his voice. Cheryl stood and crossed the room to stand with him, watching as a tall officer stepped out from the passenger side. She couldn't see their face under the brim of a dark brown hat but Joseph seemed to recognize the officer by the way he tensed up. A male patrolman got out from the driver's side and took his place standing at the foot of the stairs while the other started up toward the apartment. Joseph opened the front door and held it open before she'd made it to the landing. "Good evening, Adelaide."

"Hey, Oda." Her voice was strained as if she'd been yelling for the better part of the night. Chief of Police Adelaide Kobör was often described as a beast of a woman. She stood equally as tall as Sebastian without the lift of her modestly heeled boots with a shock of short, messy auburn hair and shining grey eyes. A set of wicked looking scars started beneath the curve of her jaw and raked up over her lips halting just under her nose, white with age. She had taken over as head of their prescient only a short few years after becoming an officer. She was held in the highest respect by nearly every officer in the city, or at the very least feared. "How have you two been holding up?"

"Alright, I got your message. We've been staying away from the news, haven't answered any calls." He watched Adelaide take off her hat and fiddle with it with a growing sense of dread. Never did he or Sebastian see her stand with anything short of utmost confidence, unless she was with her own family, or had something to say that she didn't want to. Now she stood there staring at the sleeping figures on the couch with her eyes damp. "Del what happened?"

"We've been at Elk River and the adjoining woods all day, Joseph. There were detailed maps and written locations for several named victims in Jimenez's research notes. Whoever was helping him with all those... Experiments, they didn't trust him very much toward the end." She tore her eyes from Sebastian and Hana when Cheryl came up to stand at Joseph's side. "We didn't know if anything was true but there were some names... I led a large scale team out there to check a certain patch of the map, and it was accurate."

"Who was it, Del?"

"Our two missing lab techs were in that grave, and a few patrolmen. It was an old scene, some were bones, but their effects and belongings were still intact." Adelaide brought a hand up and pinched the bridge of her nose, unable to speak around the lump in her throat.

"Del..." Joseph's voice cracked. Cheryl grabbed onto his arm and watched Adelaide with fear in her eyes.

"I recognized the necklace on one of the bodies. I recognized it but I wanted to be wrong, Joseph, I wanted to be wrong. I sent the bones in for DNA analysis but that wouldn't be in for another day or two. I got the dental records and it's a match..." She crossed her arms over her chest like she was holding herself together. "I know it isn't a DNA match, Joseph, but the dental X-rays were identical and I am certain. I saw that necklace nearly every damn day..."

"Del, please..."

"We found her, Joseph."

On the couch Sebastian snored softly, a braided section if his hair falling over his nose. Blissfully unaware of Joseph pulling Cheryl into his arms when she started to cry.

\----

 

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter makes me feel like a terrible person.
> 
> ENJOY!


	8. Chapter 8

"We interrupt this program to bring you a breaking news report on the corruption in Krimson City, this is KCSN new reporting to you live."

"From Beacon Mental hospital and all the way through the Krimson City Police Department. This is Tom Ross and I am joined by my Co-anchor, Roxanne Brisbane, for this breaking news report, Roxanne?"

"Thanks Tom, earlier this week a report was leaked naming several members of the KCPD as accomplices in the Beacon Mental Hospital Massacre that occurred over two months ago in the beginning of August. Since there were several high ranking police officers and patrolmen named in the mysterious report several precincts across Krimson and her adjoining cities had to band together to work through the evidence sent in to police and the press."

"It seems to have been a failsafe built by the Elk River Serial Killer, now partially identified as the unknown partner of Doctor Marcelo Jimenez, the man behind the incident at Beacon. The failsafe was to be enacted if Doctor Jimenez betrayed his partner, leading to speculation that the man or woman behind it may have also been killed in the massacre that night. Though the main theory is still that the partner killed Jimenez by sabotaging his experiment before escaping the hospital. Other than their own admittance of involvement through notes and research data found at the scene no trace of the second killer has been found to date."

"The release of the failsafe has turned this case into something out of a nightmare. Not only has it revived the cold leads from the Massacre at Beacon but it contained detailed notes on the location of several burial grounds along the Elk River and extending out into the local forested areas of Krimson City. While this means that families of the named deceased will be able to bury their loved ones it also has more than doubled the victim list of the killers. Not including the night of the massacre itself."

"Crime Scene Investigators have been mapping out and digging up the shores of Elk River since the Beacon Incident. Most of the bodies that have been recovered thus far have been members of the homeless community in and surrounding Krimson City. Considering the nature of their living conditions these men and women were off the radar and not reported missing for days or even several weeks."

"Also identified from these exhumations were a young newlywed couple who drove in for an overnight stop in Krimson on their way up to Maine for their honeymoon. When they didn't arrive at their hotel to check in their belongings were found at a Super 8 off the highway just outside Krimson City. A few employees from Beacon Mental Hospital and missing officers Matthew Davis, lab tech Virginia Hu, and Detective Myra Castellanos were also among the dead."

"Myra Castellanos went missing three years ago after a long recovery from the death of her daughter in a house fire that also claimed the life of her babysitter. She was the wife of Detective Sebastian Castellanos who was a suspect in her disappearance despite an iron clad alibi. It seems her superior, Officer Oliver Brown, had it in for the homicide detective. Though not officially announced it appears that Detective Castellanos will be cleared of all suspicion after tonights revelations."

"Adding another level of horror to the case is that Officer Brown was one of three department heads at KCPD prescient XX, the very place where Detective Castellanos and technician Hu worked. In fact he was Castellanos' superior to whom she would have reported to on a daily basis. He, along with the head of Forensics and District Attorney Silverman, were all in the pocket of Doctor Jimenez. Their positions in the department allowed them to not only bury cases but to destroy evidence that would have connected the large number of missing persons to Beacon Mental Hospital. We're going live to our investigative reporter outside the prescient, David can you hear me?"

"...Loud and clear Roxanne. Just minutes ago officer Oliver Brown, head of missing persons here at prescient XX, was arrested while working late at his office. Several officers expressed shock at the reveal of his involvement. An eyewitness said that initially Officer Brown attempted to play off the arrest like it was a joke. Once the arresting officers revealed he was going in for accomplice to kidnapping and murder he immediately lawyered up and requested to be removed from the building. If you watch the following footage upon being walked out and put, rather publicly, in the back of a cruiser he actually smirks at the camera and waves a little with his cuffed fingers."

"Absolutely no remorse for his actions."

"...Not at all Tom."

"What about the other officers involved?"

"...As far as we can tell from the field most have already been arrested if they aren't being arrested right at this moment. Eyewitnesses from cleared officers report that a few tried to turn over on the accomplices, presumably for a chance at a shorter sentence, but no promises were made. Chief Adelaide Kobör made it very clear that her stance in this case was maximum punishment. She has thus far been cleared of any involvement."

"Thank you David."

"Alright now I'm going to hand this over to one of our investigators who says she can shed some light on just how Jimenez and Elk River managed to get away with this for so long, Anna?"

"Hi Roxanne."

"What can you tell us?" 

"Beacon Mental Hospital did most of it's business on donations, allowing the facility to treat any patient with or without insurance. Though many donated as they visited or through charity events the lifeline of Beacon were the large contributions from the old families of Krimson and the church. Going into their records it seems that one particular family donated quite heavily. The Victoriano family, led by patriarch Ernesto and his wife Beatriz, donated to the hospital and church every year and even hosted several galas themselves before the tragic death of their children, Laura and Reuben, in a barn fire on their own property."

"How horrible!"

"The fire was lit by several disgruntled property owners that were upset by the Victoriano family buying out the majority of available land on the outskirts of Krimson City. They admitted to setting the fire but denied the intention of killing the children. Afterwards Ernesto Victoriano, without an heir, named Beacon the beneficiary of his fortune. When he and his wife were killed in their home by an unknown assailant the money was set in a fund to be used by the head staff of Beacon Mental, including Doctor Jimenez."

"Are you certain the Victoriano fortune was used for his funding?" 

"Absolutely. While plenty of other donators are in the books only the Victoriano fortune was set aside for them to draw on expressly as they needed it. The more missing persons and discoveries around the hospital the more money was withdrawn. Presumably there will be a report documenting the finances in detail later on as the case progresses. As it stands the cold case has been reopened to investigate a possible connection between Jimenez and the death of Ernesto and Beatriz Victoriano."

"Thank you so much Anna. Wow, Tom, I am honestly shocked at the scope this investigation has taken."

"Me too, Roxanne."

"For those that may just be tuning in we are going over the release of information from the Beacon Mental Hospital Massacre. We will be going over the story again after this short break..."

 

\----

 

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Dives onto the angst train*


	9. Chapter 9

"...I don't know if you've ever tried it before but it is a really excellent tea, calms the nerves better than coffee. At least that's how it works for me." The office sang with silence whenever he finished speaking, tension thick like a fog. "A friend of mine actually recommended it to me when I couldn't sleep..." The man trailed off with a sigh, taking off his glasses and letting them dangle on their chain around his neck. Gold frames bright against the red of his cardigan. He looked over at the seat across from him and just watched the detective as he stared out the two way glass wall. Rain rolled down the glass in sheets and pelted the garden beyond. There were only a few roses left on the carefully tended bushes, petals half gone and yellowing centers exposed. The man, his patient, looked like he hadn't been taking care of himself for days. His jaw was lined with rough hair that could no longer be called stubble, his eyes were sunken and red rimmed. He hadn't removed his coat when he walked in or tried to dry off from walking through the rain. Sections of long brown hair hung in his face, still damp and plastered in place. "Look, Sebastian... I can't just keep filling the silence by rambling at you. We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about, okay?"

Across the room Castellanos was still unresponsive. He blinked a few times and leaned forward with his elbows on his thighs, beige long coat hanging open. He hadn't bothered with a suit vest this morning. The light blue button up he did wear was wrinkled, the top few buttons undone, and the tie around his neck was pulled so loose it was barely hanging on. He looked over when his counselor shut his leather folio that held his notepad and dropped it on the coffee table with a loud thump.

"Okay then. If you aren't going to tell me what you don't want to talk about then I'm just going to say some things. Off the books, no going in the report, but if you don't listen I will mark this session down as a failure, understand?" Sebastian quirked an eyebrow at him, "Good."

"I know they found Myra, even if it wasn't repeated on the news every day I would know because Adelaide told me herself. Don't look so surprised, she's worried about you." He hadn't realized he'd let the feelings show on his face. "I can't begin to understand how you are feeling since I haven't experienced something like this myself, but grief I can relate to."

"Really?" Unused for most of the day Sebastian's voice came out like a croak.

"Yes, Sebastian. Not to sound like a dick but you aren't the only one that's lost someone." That managed to make the detective feel ashamed of himself, though he didn't voice it. "Whatever you are feeling, whether it be despair, anger, some happiness..."

"Why the fuck would I be happy about this?!"

"Because you have an answer. Whatever you were thinking about the reason she left you, now you have an answer to where she was. Where she went." The fury seemed to leave Sebastian as quickly as it came and he leaned back into his chair with a huff. "I admit it is an awful answer, but it is an answer and being happy about that would be completely normal." The doctor sank back into his chair and slid his glasses back on.

"When someone dies you don't just feel one thing, it's not that simple. Every grief is different. That's all I wanted you to know."

"...can I go now, Chandler?"

"I guess you did fulfill your end of the bargain." The doctor stood along with Sebastian, wincing when his back made a noise akin to a creak. "One more thing though, Mr. Castellanos." He cursed under his breath and turned to face the doctor with his hand still on the doorknob. "I've reccommended that you be allowed to return to work." 

"...what?" It hadn't been what he expected to hear.

"I turned it in to Adelaide a couple days ago. Whatever hapened this week doesn't change my opinion that you can and should be allowed to return to work. You are a brilliant detective, Sebastian, and so is your partner. I think that working would be beneficial to you both as long as you don't continue to use it as an excuse not to face your problems." The door clacked in it's frame from the force of Sebastian's shaking. Whether it was from fury or shock Chandler didn't know, the detective was facing away from him. "Don't shut out your support system, Sebastian, not when you need it most."

"...you done?" He couldn't help but sigh. Sebastian still hadn't turned to face him, but maybe the fact that he hadn't fled from the office could be considered a win.

 

"Yes, you may go." There was nothing else he could think to say, nothing that would make Castellanos do anything other than get angry at him. Though he was pleasantly surprised when the detective gently shut the door behind him. Chandler had expected it to be slammed.

"Poor boy." Thunder rumbled through the building and the rain began to pelt harder against the floor to ceiling glass. He watched it for a long few minutes then took a deep breath, ran his fingers through short white hair, and dropped heavily into the cushy armchair Sebastian had vacated. Chandler had expected the session to be difficult considering the news about Beacon blasting all over Krimson but the gruff man had barely said a word until he pushed at the end of the session. He worried that Sebastian may try to do something foolish.

The ongoing storm had forced the doctor's schedule to clear for the afternoon and after Castellanos there weren't any other appointments until the next morning. Chandler picked up the leather folio and worked on cleaning up the few notes he had managed to take during their session, slipping behind a heavy wooden desk to type them up on an old laptop. For a brief moment he entertained the though of updating to something new but he liked the old thing. Keys clacked away as he transcribed the handwriting pages and shot a e-mail off to Adelaide Kobör on her detective's condition. She might know what to do about him.

A bright flash illuminated the office and Chandler looked up, counting several seconds before the thunder rolled over the building. He sighed and stood up, gathering up his coat and briefcase before leaving the solemn office. In the reception area he noticed a lone man with dark hair and glasses staring out into the parking lot. The doctor took a few minutes to chat with his receptionist, a young woman with strawberry blonde hair, and told her to go on home. He waved her off and started searching around his coat pockets for his keys.

"Sir?"

He had completely forgetting about the other person in the waiting area so when the spectecled young man called out and stopped him Chandler couldn't help but jump a little.

"I'm sorry Doctor, I didn't mean to frighten you."

"It's quite alright, son, I was just thinking about something." He waved the apology off and shook his gloved hand when it was offered. "You're Castellanos' partner, right? Oda?"

"Yes." Joseph blinked owlishly at him, a little surprised that the counselor had known who he was right away but at the same time not considering Beacon and their names were blasted on the news every evening. "Again I'm sorry for bothering you, but... did you keep Sebastian longer today?"

"Hmm? No, actually he left early. This session wasn't the most successful, not that you're surprised I'm sure." He watched Joseph as he paled and pulled out a flip model cellular phone. "Is everything alright?"

"He gets out earlier than me, but he always waits for my appointments to end. His car wasn't in the parking lot..."

"Ah, I might have pushed him a little too hard today... is there anywhere you think he would have gone? Should I call someone?" The younger detective typed furiously on the small keypad, frowning at the screen with an increasingly worried expression. 

"Yea there are a few places I've had to pull him out of before..."

"He didn't really seem upset when he left, maybe he went home to deal with his feelings alone?"

"Maybe, I hope so... fucking dumbass." Joseph cursed and flipped the phone closed hard enough it sounded like a clap of thunder in the nearly empty office. "I better call a cab, I have someone else looking at other haunts..."

"Come on, I'll give you a ride." Chandler shook his keys out of his pocket and started toward the door.

"You don't have to, Doctor." Despite his protests Joseph jogged along with him.

"It's fine, I'm on my way home anyway and this will just get you home faster. I don't mind."

"...thank you, Doctor."

\----

Joseph really couldn't help his reaction when he saw Sebastian's sedan sitting outside their apartment. The stream of curses might have frightened the kind doctor, Chandler he learned, who gave him a ride home. He thanked him profusely before jumping out of the car, embarrassment only adding to his fury. Dimly he heard the doctor wish him well through the rain before the car rumbled off down the street.

The concrete stairs shook as he ran up them two at a time. The door was still unlocked from whenever Sebastian had arrived home and when Joseph threw it open he saw his partner's keys, coat, and phone thrown across the table. Screen still lit with an alert for several missed text messages, probably from Cheryl. 

"Sebastian?! Where are you?!" Joseph whipped his head around taking in the state of the apartment. Nothing else seemed out of place save for the hall. Sebastian's boots looked like they'd been kicked off while he walked back toward their bedroom, left in the walkway where they'd fallen. When he finally got a look at the kitchen Joseph saw the whiskey bottle was missing from the top of the fridge and he cursed. He ran down the hall throwing open doors as he went. The bathroom was empty and the office untouched. Even the bedroom was barren with the bed still made from that morning. Joseph covered his mouth with a gloved hand and held back a sob. He pulled out his phone and called Cheryl, voice trembling while he spoke and walked back out toward the front room before he caught sight of Sebastian and stopped dead. "I found him, Cher, he's here..."

Castellanos was sitting on the kitchen floor right underneath the sink. He sat with his arms on his knees and legs open with the empty liquor bottle on the floor between them. It had been a quarter full. Joseph couldn't quite see his face with his hair, dirty and stringy, hanging over him like a curtain. It looked like he was staring at something in one hand before it balled into a fist and dropped off to his side. Fuming Joseph took several deep breaths, said his goodbyes to Cheryl and slammed the phone shut. 

"Why did you leave me behind, Sebastian?" His voice shook with calm fury. "What excuse could you possibly have for doing that to me?"

"None."

"None?!" Joseph snapped, taking a step toward Sebastian then stopping himself. "Nothing, you aren't going to give me any real answer?"

"I thought maybe you would leave," Silence hung between them, Joseph stood there too stunned to speak. "You should, you know."

"I should what."

"Leave me. Everyone else has." 

"What the hell are you talking about, Sebastian? You don't get to make stupid fucking demands like that, I have never left you! I have never wanted to leave you, and you just... You...." He stood there shaking, dripping on the floor. Joseph took another deep breath then stripped out of his coat, throwing it on the sectional and roughly stripping off his gloves with his teeth. Normally he was mindful of the downstairs neighbor so it was alarming when Joseph stamped across to the kitchenette and slammed the flat of his hand down on the counter. "I was worried about you, Sebastian! I was fucking terrified!" He would never admit it out loud but a guilty thrill went through him when Sebastian flinched away at those words, pressing himself further into the cabinets beneath the sink. "I didn't know what to do, I thought that maybe they had finally come back for us, that they had taken you away from me..." Joseph was ashamed when his voice cracked and tried to cover it by growling, "What the hell where you thinking?!" 

"I'm so sorry..." The soft response made Joseph stop. He hadn't expected Sebastian to respond with anything other than anger. After the incident with Internal Affairs any time that he voiced his feelings, especially if Sebastian had been drinking, he would either be shouted out of the room or stonewalled. It extinguished his burning anger and left him cold.

"Seb?"

"I'm sorry, Joseph." Sebastian pinched the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger. He reached out and poked at the drained bottle of whiskey on the floor between his knees, the last few droplets of amber liquid rolling around the bottom. "I thought that maybe if I left you there you would be upset enough to leave. That if I disappointed you now you wouldn't leave me later, I..." A rough push tilted the bottle too far and it rolled on it's base rattling around until it came to a stop with a hollow thud. "I don't know what I was thinking. Joseph..." Finally Sebastian steeled himself and looked up to his partner, eyes bloodshot and tear stains on his face. "I don't want you to leave."

"Seb," Joseph felt all the fight drain out of him. With a few short steps he walked to the sink and slid down to sit next to Sebastian on the floor. "You idiot." 

"I know." He sniffed and wiped his face with the back of his hand. "I don't know how you've put up with my shit for so long, Joseph."

"I care, that's why." Sebastian choked on a sob and let his head fall back against the cabinet door with a thud. "You alright?"

"No." 

"I meant your head."

"Still no?" Sebastian looked over at Joseph and gave a little smirk. It was stupid but at least it made them laugh a little. "I don't know what's wrong with me, Joseph."

"Seb you've had a shit week, I think I can forgive you for acting like an ass." He dropped his head on Sebastian's shoulder. Joseph watched him reach over for his hand but Sebastian stopped when he realized he was still holding tight onto something. His body tensed up against Joseph. 

"...you know what the first thing I felt was when Adelaide told me?"

"No." After Chief Kobör had given him and Cheryl a rundown on the recovery of Myra's remains they had broken it to Sebastian. Cheryl took Hana, still sleeping, into the bedroom so they wouldn't wake her. The entire time Del spoke Sebastian had just been silent. Whatever he had been thinking he didn't share, just stared at the floor until Del was done explaining the findings. He thanked her then, the only thing he would say for the rest of that night, and disappeared into the bathroom to vomit. Joseph reached around and grabbed Sebastian's hand, "What was it?"

"I was relieved." He flipped his hand and threaded his fingers with Joseph's. Squeezing hard enough to hurt. "What kind of man is relieved to find out his wife has been dead?"

"...a man scared she'd met with a worse fate than being shot." The notes found on Myra's burial were sparse compared to some of the others but it hadn't been hard to piece together what happened. Weeks after leaving her life behind she had put together enough of the story to know that someone in Beacon Mental Hospital was behind the missing persons cases. Behind the case she thought her daughter had been murdered for. Burned to death to break Myra and keep her silent. In the end she had gone to a man she trusted, Officer Brown, and been quietly taken out of the picture. "Of all things that I thought could have happened to Myra? I'm sad to admit what really happened relieved me, too."

"All this shit because she thought they killed Lilly, and it really was an accident..." For years Sebastian poured over Myra's letters, her evidence of their daughters murder, but he found nothing. The conspiracy connections that she had thought were so obvious were either tenuous or nonexistent. He felt like a failure trying so hard to make the murder connection work. Trying to force out a reason that his little girl was dead, that his wife left him to find out who had done it, but there was nothing there to find.

"I can't blame her for not wanting to accept reality. I still have my daughter, if anything happened to Hana I don't know how I would have reacted."

"You wouldn't abandon your family." Sebastian whispered, feeling hollow. He didn't want to think that about Myra but it was true, she had abandoned them, but if she hadn't then she wouldn't have been the only one at the bottom of that grave. Who's to say they would have stopped at Sebastian when he and the Oda's had been so close? "I can't even be angry at her for it."

"When your car wasn't there in the parking lot... I thought... I couldn't imagine...." The words trailed off and Joseph fell silent. He didn't really need to finish the thought for Sebastian to understand what he meant. "You scared me to death."

"I know." After a small sigh Sebastian leaned his head on Joseph's, dropping whatever he held in his other hand to brush the damp hair from his partner's face. Outside the rain continued to tap against the windows. Softer now that the thunder had drifted away.

"We should get cleaned up before we have to leave tonight." Joseph muttered while leaning into Sebastian's touch.

"Where are we going?" Joseph didn't really answer. He straighted up and just stared with one eyebrow quirked until Sebastian remembered exactly where they were supposed to be going. "Oh fuck, the viewing." 

"Come on," Joseph laughed softly then stood with a groan and held a hand out that Sebastian gladly took. "I'll handle it out here, you get in the shower and get cleaned up. The girls can't make it tonight so it's just us and whoever is left that the Connelly's invited."

"Even if I hurry we'll still be late." Sebastian checked the time on the microwave and slapped himself on the face, embarrassed at the way he'd acted on a night that was so important.

"It's fine, Seb. Better we be late than not go." He pushed the disheveled detective toward the bathroom, "It might even have cleared out a little by the time we get there, we'll be able to say our goodbyes quietly."

"Joseph..." Sebastian stumbled a little when he was shoved through the bathroom door but caught himself and turned to grab Joseph by the arm, "Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me, Seb."

"Yes I do. Thank you..." He squeezed Joseph's wrist before letting go, brushing the hair from his eyes and smiling softly, face flushed. 

"Go on, get in the shower. I'll drag you in if I have to." Joseph shooed him away smiling with relief when Sebastian laughed and started shucking off his damp button up. He walked back to the living room to grab the phone from his coat pocket and shot a series of texts to Cheryl, updating her on what happened so she wouldn't worry more than she already had. When the pipes creaked as the shower turned on Joseph put down the phone and walked into the kitchen to grab a drink of water. His foot knocked over the empty whiskey bottle and he leaned down to put it up when something caught his eyes.

On the tile gleaming in the dim light sat Sebastian's wedding ring.

\----

"Shit..." Sebastian's voice was shakier than his hands while he tried to straighten out the knot of his tie. Smoke trickled out around the nearly dead cigarette between his lips as he muttered about the tie being stupid and several, more colorful curses.

"Come here," Joseph managed to stamp down his laughter but not his smile as he stepped up and worked out the knot with ease, smoothing down the material and tucking it into his gray suit jacket. "Better?"

"Shut up." He growled, putting the cigarette out on his heel and tossing it in the wastebasket by the door. Despite falling out from the faith a long time ago Sebastian wasn't about to litter in a church parking lot. Nervously he kept smoothing down the tie, a deep burgundy with white pinstripes. "Thanks for letting me borrow this."

"What's mine is yours, Seb." Joseph had left the gloves at home for the small ceremony, opting for a black button up and gray suit jacket that nearly matched Sebastian's own. Next to him Seb felt very much like he still looked completely smashed. He ran a palm over his jaw for the upteenth time that evening checking for patches that he missed shaving but still found none. Only the small bandaid from where he's nicked himself beneath his ear. "Ready to head in?"

"Not at all." Smiling through the turmoil in his gut Sebastian stepped forward and pushed open the door. There were still a few voices talking, laughing, and the heavy scent of flowers. Just inside the entry hall was a life size portrait of Oscar in his patrolman blues, cap askew and giving a sloppy salute. It froze both of them when they saw it. Sebastian had almost forgotten what it looked like when his friend smiled.

"Oh! There you are boys!" A short woman with a small mountain of curls pinned around her head broke apart from a group of well wishers and ran toward them. She had the same mouse brown hair as Oscar and her cheeks dimpled as she smiled at them. "Come in you must be freezing."

"Mrs. Connelly, it's been too long." Joseph's smile was radiant when she pulled him in for a hug, leaving a bright red lip print on his cheek before she turned her sights on Sebastian and gave him the same.

"Not since the Fourth of July barbeque, right? Fuck I hadn't realized, I mean shit, wait...!" He knew his face was burning but Sebastian didn't bother hiding it. If he was being honest, the laugh it got out of Joseph and Oscar's mom was worth the embarrassment. 

"I don't mind the cursing, dear, you know Oscar was worse than you during football season." She pinched Sebastian's cheek, smile sad but fond. "I'm glad you both made it, I was worried you might miss tonight with the storm."

"Sorry for running so late, it's been a long day but we wouldn't have missed this for anything." Joseph gave her another hug, gently fixing a ringlet that had fallen out of place across her cheek. "How are you?"

"Oh you know, the smallest thing sets me off crying, sometimes I forget that he isn't just late coming home and it feels fresh all over again." She sniffled but her smile didn't leave, "It's hard, but he did something so good helping you two bring down all that horrible business... I can't be too sad, I'm so proud of him, you know?"

"I know." Sebastian's voice was soft. There were days after the fire that he woke up and his first thought had been about not getting Lilly to school on time before it hit him that was something he didn't have to do anymore. Probably the first time it really sank in that she was gone was one day when he came to their new insurance bought apartment and immediately called for her without thinking. He pulled the handkerchief from his breast pocket and held it out to her.

"Thanks, sweetheart." She took it and wiped at her eyes, uncaring about smudging her makeup or just so practiced at it she didn't ruin it at all. 

Mrs. Connelly took them both by the arm and dragged them around the room introducing them to all the family members and friends they hadn't yet met and revisiting with those they had. Though the air was still heavy with the weight what brought them all together it was still a nice evening. A few children ran around the hall and Sebastian found himself missing Hana as he watched them play tag with a woman in a wide brimmed hat. Though Adelaide was missing he did see her husband sitting against a far wall watching the children along with their eldest son, a tall boy with short cropped black hair named Hroar. He remembered the first time he'd met the man, equally as intimidating as his wife though quieter and shorter. No surprise considering Del towered over six feet. Most people that met him thought that Farkas was frightening but Sebastian had come to find he simply didn't talk at all unless he found it necessary to do so. The only person he ever spoke to at length was their young daughter, Sophie, who was currently weaving a flower crown out of a floral arrangement in the hall.  

"Jason, sweetheart, take a break you've been working all evening." Nichols jumped when Mrs. Connelly called him out. He wore a simple black suit with the sleeves of his shirt rolled up as he worked on what looked like a collage. 

"I just want it to be perfect, ma..." He fidgeted awkwardly until her fussing, his short blonde hair was slicked back from his face and he looked uncomfortable. 

"It is perfect, you've picked beautiful pictures. I wouldn't have been able to do any of this without you, you know?" 

"Thanks ma... hey guys," He waved to Joseph and Sebastian, blotting at his shining blue eyes with the back of a sleeve. "Thanks for coming."

"Of course, thanks for bringing us the information. I'm still sorry about those people..." Joseph scratched at the back of his head, remembering how Jason had to shove his way to their door through a group of tenacious reporters to give them the time and location for Oscar's service. 

"Not your fault those vultures won't leave you alone." The four of them made small talk for a short while until the children shrieked and giggled enough that Mrs. Connelly left to go chase them around the hall herself, laughing freely. "Have you guys been in to see him yet? There's still another half hour before we shut everything down to prepare for tomorrow."

"Not yet, Seb do you want to go...?"

"If you're ready, yea." He looked up at a large pair of doors that led to the inner sanctum. They were beautiful, framed with flowers, and left his stomach in knots. 

"Oh wait, Oda? Before you go do you think you could help with this? I haven't been able to get his work photos all together, it won't take long I just...," Jason's eye shone with unshed tears, "It's kinda hard to look at them."

"Of course I can, Jay." Joseph spoke softly, patting the sorrowful man on his shoulder and smiling. His eyes were worried when he turned them on Sebastian. "Will you be alright for a few minutes? If you don't mind waiting..."

"I'll be alright, Joseph, this is important. 'Sides, you're better at this stuff than I am." He smirked a little when his partner laughed. Truthfully he didn't want to walk in that room alone, but if he got it done quickly like a bandaid it might not hurt as badly.

"Alright." For a moment Joseph hesitated. Sebastian watched as half a dozen emotions flit across his face before Joseph reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing when their fingers twined together. It wasn't long but the contact gave Sebastian the little bit of courage he needed to walk away and into the inner sanctum of the chapel alone.

He was immediately thankful that Joseph had the foresight to wait until the small chapel had mostly cleared out. Saying goodbye like this was difficult enough with thoughts of the last time he'd seen Oscar clouding his thoughts, if he had come in with a small crowd round the mans coffin he wouldn't have been able to hold it together nearly as well. There were two rows of empty pews decorated sparsely with ribbon and small floral pieces on the aisle ends. About halfway down the aisle Sebastian finally tore his eyes up from the ground to face the front. A large coffin dominated the altar, polished cherry stained wood gleaming in the soft incandescent light and nestled amid a veritable greenhouse of floral arrangements in shades of yellow, white, and peach. From where he was standing he couldn't see Oscar around a woman standing by the head of the coffin. He didn't recognize her with a wide brimmed summery hat hiding her face, though he did recall her playing with the children outside. The white sundress she wore with it's sunflower printed belt tickled at the back of his mind but he wasn't able to place it. The small amount of courage he'd worked up nearly left and he felt suddenly awkward as if he were intruding on a private moment. "Sorry for interrupting, I'll just..." He reached up and scratched at the back of his head before turning back to the doors.

"I hate these things. Seeing someone before they're buried, even if it's a chance to say goodbye." Sebastian froze with his back to her. It took everything he had not to run up to the woman and pull her around to face him, eyes wide and disbelieving. He whipped back around and watched her lift a hand and run her fingers over the edge of open casket. "It looks like he could be sleeping, like he's just going to sit up and tease me for screwing up his stupidly complicated coffee order again. I never thought I wouldn't hear that again, or that I would miss it so much..." Sebastian opened and closed his mouth several times before a choked noise came out.

"Kid?"

"Hey." Juli turned to face him. Her hair was styled a little differently, curling inward to frame her face and she was wearing some soft pink lipstick he'd never seen on her before. She stood there whole and healthy, beautiful like a dream. Sebastian actually worried that he might be sleeping and looked around to make sure the walls weren't thriving with shadows and hidden creatures. When he looked back at her she had stepped down from the coffin and was looking at him with something like fear, lavender eyes flickering over his face like it hurt to look at him. "Sebastian?" She called softly after a minute passed of him just standing there staring.

"You..." He shut his eyes and brought a hand up to run through his hair, tugging on the strands to let the pain ground himself. When he opened his eyes again there was something like fury in the set of his mouth that made Kidman flinch. Sebastian took a tentative step before letting out a noise akin to a growl and hurriedly making his way directly for her.

"Sebastian, please..." He didn't respond to her plea and she raised her fists in an aborted attempt to defend herself before screwing her eyes shut and just waiting for the blow. It didn't come. Juli grunted when Sebastian pulled her into his arms and squeezed so hard it shot all the air from her lungs, knocked off her hat, and left her on tip toe almost dangling over the carpet. "What?"

"You're alive!" His voice was so close to her ear she heard it crack. She buried her face in his shoulder to hide watering eyes and returned the embrace. She missed him. Missed his scruffy, grouchy face and the way he just acted without thinking. It had been so long she was surprised to find she even missed his smell, that mix of cigarette smoke and aftershave that lingered around their office and made the space feel comfortable. "Kid, you're alive..." Juli felt when he shivered and held on tighter.

"I'm so sorry, Sebastian." It didn't really cover everything she wanted to say, but she still felt the need to say it. He pulled away and she stood flat on the ground again while he fussed over her. Fixing the wisps off hair that flew out when he knocked her hat away. Juli huffed out a laugh when he carded his fingers through her hair and checked over her neck and shoulders for injuries they remembered her getting. Injuries that weren't real. There was a small reddish scar above her eyebrow from something striking her that Sebastian lingered on, rubbing over it with a thumb. After a few moments she reached up and gently took hold of his hand, easing it down. "I'm alright. Only visible scar besides that is the one back here." Juli tapped at the back of her neck where he knew they shared a similar mark. A cluster of punctures at the base of the skull.

"I can worry. For the first month I couldn't stop touching Joseph, making sure he was really there." He raised a brow when she snorted and laughed. His face flushed when he realized what he'd said. "Shut up."

"I'm sorry! The image was just," Juli kept giggling while she dried her eyes. "It was cute."

"Shut up." Sebastian grumbled then leaned forward to rest his cheek on the top of her head. Without her heeled boots she was just short enough to tuck under his chin. "I thought they would kill you when they realized how Joseph got away." Juli stiffened.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't bullshit me, Kid. They found him half buried under the waiting room chairs hidden by another body. If your skull is cracked open you can't crawl away and hide. Then you told them to leave me behind." He kissed the scar above her brow. "Thank you."

"You're affectionate today." Juli's face was burning but she was smiling when she knocked against his chin with her forehead. "I couldn't risk the chance they'd want to take Joseph, he was so close to Ruvik I worried they'd want to continue experimenting on him to see if he left an imprint. I didn't have enough proof yet..." She frowned again, then took Sebastian by the arm and after he scooped up the fallen hat led him over to sit in one of the front pews. "That whole situation was fucked, I don't need to tell you that, but the people I work for didn't even know how bad it was. KCPD weren't the only ones corrupted by the STEM research."

"I won't pry, promise, but is there anything you can tell me?" Sebastian sat with his knee against hers, leaning forward on his thighs to keep an eye on her face.

"We aren't out of the fire yet, but we're doing alright. No one will come after us, you two have been out too long and are firmly in the spotlight. Plus Adelaide is on the warpath, if anyone comes near you she won't let them leave without scars. As for me... The people I work for aren't saints, Sebastian, but there are boundaries. They are a neutral power that works in the shade, not men like Jimenez, or Ruvik, or..." She trailed off and Sebastian could only assume whomever the last name belonged to was someone she worked for. Juli fiddled with the hem of her sundress, "I won't say they're good people, but they aren't entirely mad."

"Okay." Sebastian put a hand over hers.

"I'm not exactly safe, but I've been transferred to something I'll just call Internal Affairs. My superiors who were supporting Jimenez were acting without authorization. I can't say they wouldn't have advocated researching STEM at all, or that they won't keep trying, but they would not have let it go down like this. Not so public, not so inhumane."

"Guess that's something." Sebastian sighed and scrubbed at his face suddenly unable to look at her. It was hard to accept Juli's status as some kind of double agent.

"I am so sorry, Seb," Tentatively she flipped her hand palm up and slid her fingers between his. "I know I've said it already, but I really am. For what it's worth the only part about working with you two that was a lie was who I reported to, we were on the same case... and you two were my closest friends." They let the silence between them linger for awhile, the atmosphere tense and bittersweet.

"Are you ever going to come back to us?"

"I don't know, but I want to." When he looked back up she was staring down at their hands with watery eyes. "I miss you, I miss Joseph..."

"Do you want me to go get him?" Though he was the one to offer Sebastian didn't want to leave her, even to grab Joseph. He was afraid if he tuned his back she would disappear completely.

"No! Please no, I can't face him, Sebastian, I..." She swallowed and looked away, eyes flitting over the polished wooden box where Conelley lay. "You don't know what Ruvik did, Sebastian. When he scattered us in that underground hall he did something to Joseph, the same thing that happened to Oscar." The memory of Conelley coming at him while he begged for him to stand down flashed bright in Sebastian's memory. "Joseph choked me, screamed at me, he was hunting me down and... I hid for so long, trying to do whatever I could to get away but the mindscape wouldn't let me out. When he finally got ahold of me I took this axe..." She drew a slash down across her front like miming putting on a seatbelt. "I told myself it wasn't him and for a moment it was almost easy with his face ashen and eyes all black. When all I could see on his face was anger and hate. Then Ruvik left and all that was wiped away and staring at me with his chest cut open and bleeding was our Joseph, confused and hurt and reaching for me...." Her hands were twisted in her lap so hard Sebastian thought she might tear the fabric of her dress. When she couldn't go on he put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. "I still don't know if it was really him or just STEM fucking with me."

"If it helps we talked about what happened to us and he never mentioned something like that. Whenever he spoke of you it was about finding us, or losing you and being scared." Her shoulders heaved and she leaned heavily into his side, arms crossed holding herself tight. "And for what it's worth Kid, I'm sorry for threatening to shoot you in the end." He smiled when she let out a snort of hysteric laughter.

"Sebastian, you weren't threatening me." Juli looked up at him with a sad smile, "For all we both knew I killed Joseph, had I taken one step toward Leslie you would have shot me dead."

"Yea, well... Doesn't mean I feel good about it."

"I don't blame you, Sebastian, I would have reacted the same way." Juli laid her head back down on his shoulder with a sigh. After a moment Sebastian dropped her hat in her lap then pulled his free arm around to hold her. "I have to go..."

"I know." Sebastian took a deep breath then pressed his face against the top if her head and held her tighter. "I understand."

"I won't be able to come back tomorrow for Oscar's funeral," Juli glanced back to the coffin at the center of the small altar. "But if you need me to, I'll keep my schedule clear for Myra's." The lighthearted attempt at humor was ruined when she felt him tense around her at the sound of his wife's name. "I wouldn't be able to come in and stand with you, but I could be there even if it's from afar."

"Thanks, Kid." The crackling in his voice made her wish she hadn't brought up Myra in the first place. Maybe they would have been able to part on happy terms. She should have known they wouldn't be walking away from each other with anything better than something bittersweet. Untangling herself from his arms was more difficult than she was willing to admit.

"Hey, chin up." Juli smiled, gently flicking Sebastian on his chin and getting rewarded with a deadpan grumpy stare that she adored. Her vision blurred though she made no effort to wipe at her eyes or hide it. "It's not like you'll never see me again, right?"

"Don't even joke about that shit." He growled at her and ruffled her hair into disarray when all that made her do was laugh at him. "You come back home, alright?"

"Home?" For a few moments Juli just stared at him, lips slightly parted as if halfway to saying something. Then she smiled, voice soft "Okay."

"So, what happens now?" Sebastian stood and held his hand out, pulling her up when she took the offering. "Are you just going to slip out the back?"

"Something like that."

"Kid... look I get that you don't want to see him, but Joseph misses you. He's never blamed you for what happened." Unlike himself, the unvoiced accusation hung awkward in the air between them,

"I can't..." Juli's voice was soft and she couldn't meet his eyes. She grabbed the discarded sunhat and fished around the inner lining, eventually pulling out a small roll of paper tightly bound with a length of scarlet ribbon. "I know it's a cop out, but could you give this to him for me? It's not the right way to apologize... but I hope it can at least tide him over until I can do it right."

"Of course I can." He gingerly took the little scroll she offered and tucked it away in the inner pocket of his jacket with his cigarettes. Juli stood there fidgeting and glancing toward a side exit he assumed was used by the church staff. He wasn't surprised that she flinched when he snagged the sunhat from her hands and roughly tugged it down over her hair. Sebastian almost laughed at the quiet squeak that escaped her when he leaned down and kissed her cheek. "Just be safe, Juli."

"Seb..." Her voice was raw. After a few moments of trying she found there wasn't anything she could say around the hard lump in her throat and settled for hugging him one last time. As she pulled away a soft click sounded when the door to inner sanctum opened. He didn't have to ask who walked in at the terrified expression on Kidman's face when she looked up.

"Sorry for taking so long, Sebastian I- Juli?" In the doorway Joseph stood stunned with wide eyes. For a moment no one moved or even seemed to breath. Only after Joseph shut the door behind him and started toward his partners did she find her voice. The tension broke when Juli opened her mouth to say something, anything, and a painful wordless sound came out instead.

"Goodbye." She managed to force it out before taking off for the door at the other side of the altar. Joseph cried out for her to wait but didn't bother chasing after her. Sebastian had his eyes shut tight, daring to look only after the door slammed shut behind Kidman. Separating her from them a second time.

"That was really her, wasn't it?" Sebastian took a deep breath and opened his eyes to find Joseph staggering toward him on shaking legs. "She wore that dress for Hana's birthday, I... I'm not seeing things."

"Yea, that was Kid alright." Joseph's eyes were stuck on the door that Juli had run through. Gently Sebastian took him by the arm and pulled him into a loose embrace. For a minute Joseph just shook violently, relaxing into Seb's grip after he started scratching through the hair at the nape of his neck. "Surprised the shit out of me, too."

"She's okay..." With a whimper Joseph buried his face in Sebastian's shoulder and laughed with relief. When he pulled back there were tears shining in his lashes but he was grinning. "Thank god, she's alive."

"I tried to convince her to see you, she's scared you'll hate her. Not that I helped after what I did."

"You didn't tell her about..." Joseph trailed off unable to finish whatever he originally intended to voice. One hand came up and clutched at his chest, red tie crushed between shaking fingers.

"No, of course not..." Sebastian grumbled then knocked his head against Joseph's like an angry, over affectionate cat. Completely ignoring any objections from Joseph by holding onto him tighter. "She feels bad enough about shooting you, I wasn't going to make it worse."

"Seb..." He laughed quietly, breath ghosting over Sebastian's throat making the taller man shiver a little. "I feel a bit awful, being so happy here with Oscar only a few meters away."

"I haven't even said goodbye yet, when I walked in Juli was up there with him." They didn't move for a few more moments, pulling apart eventually with their hands still linked. "You think you're ready?" Sebastian blinked when Joseph exhaled out a hard laugh.

"No, not at all." He squeezed and ran the pad of his thumb over the back of Sebastian's hand, the touch warm without the barrier of his gloves. "Come on."

Part of them even now expected that Oscar would move when they approached. Sebastian was ashamed to find himself reaching to check for his lighter on reflex, but standing next to that cherry wood box and looking down he was surprised to find that despite being far too still Oscar did look somewhat like he was at rest. The funeral cosmetician had done an excellent job. With the length of time between the incident and now he and Joseph had assumed there would be a closed casket ceremony until the invitation to his viewing arrived. Connelly's family had decided to bury him in his blues, bronze KCPD badge gleaming bright on his chest. There was none of the twisted anger in his face, no scarring or boils on his skin. No indication that what they had been through had really happened. It took his vision blurring for Sebastian to realize he was tearing up. "I hate that when I think of him I see that nightmare and not this."

"It won't be that way forever, Seb." Joseph whispered, reaching into the casket and gingerly straightening Oscar's badge to smooth out some wrinkle in his uniform. "Hey, remember Juli's first day on the job? She walked past Oscar's desk and he dribbled coffee all over himself?"

"God I forgot about that," Sebastian snorted, wiping his eyes on the back of his sleeve. " She wouldn't let him live it down either, every time he asked her to get his coffee she told him not to miss."

"And that bib she bought him for our first Christmas?"

"What the hell did it say? Hot Mess?" Sebastian was smiling while wiping his eyes. He put an arm around Joseph's shoulder and held on while his partner gave in to a horrible fit of giggling.

"That was it!" Joseph clutched Sebastian's coat, pressing his mouth against his chest in a noneffective attempt to muffle his inappropriate laughter. For a minute he almost had a handle on it but when he looked up to apologize to Sebastian he found him biting his lip and quivering in effort to hold in his own laughter. There was no hope after that. Their loud cackling echoed in the little chapel and they held tightly to each other just to keep themselves upright. After several minutes they stood straight, wheezing, and Joseph pulled his glasses off to clean them on the hem of his suit jacket. 

"Oh man, I needed that." His voice was ragged from laughing like a deranged Hyena, but when Joseph slipped his glassed back on he had to admit it was a good look on Sebastian. Cheeks flushed with color and tears shining in his lashes. He hadn't really smiled like that all week since the day they found out about Myra. Still smiling Sebastian reached out and snagged a pastel yellow rose from one of the many arrangements surrounding them tucking it in against Oscar's shoulder. "We're going to miss you, Connelly. Already do." He pulled back and let his hand rest against the edge of the casket before giving Oscar a mock salute. "See you for the big day tomorrow."

"Ready to go home?" 

"Yea."

 

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to apologize again for the length of time it took this chapter to come out. Not only was it a little hard to write while drawing on my own experience with grief and relief of a family member passing, Markiplier released his play throughs of The Evil Within DLC's and watching them got me really sidetracked. Especially since they ccame out in the middle of writing Kidman's section for this chapter. Since my PS3 is busted the only way I could see the DLC's was by watching someone play and it was his playthrough for The Evil Within that I actually watched all the way through. The first person I watched play it, VictorSeven on youtube, got through a good couple hours before life happened. Check them both out, the playthroughs are great!
> 
> Also if you can guess what game I played where Adelaide was the star I'll give you a cookie and a drabble request~ I thought it would be fun to drops some hints with her family.
> 
> Thank you everyone for sticking by me and this story, I hope you like it!

**Author's Note:**

> I do not have a computer so I am writing this with a combination of a new tablet and my old iPod touch, if you notice any typos or weird sentences please feel free to comment and tell me about them. I'll hopefully be able to fix them up as I go.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the read!


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